21 October 2011

4 soundbites from the naked lady bar: "we do really well on panels"




"i regularly search amazon for you."

"some of this stuff, i just want to die when i read it."

"i wonder sometimes if people respect him."

"that is, like, rhetorically astounding."

"i think that should be the title of the panel: 'you're in MAPH... you're never going to have a career.'"

"i just have to drink a lot today because it's International Writing Day."

"it's like you're happy to be a peon."

"all of this shit that seems like 'that would never happen?' it totally happens in academia."

"did you just say 'douche nozzle'?"
"yes, and then he said, 'open your mouth.'"

"you have undermined everything you've ever done."
"we should put that on something... t-shirts!"

"i mean like, bang that shit while you can because when you get back to the real world, you aren't going to have anything."

"this is by far the dumbest email i've seen."

"in other words, in MAPH, people have one range of experience, which is poverty."
"and panels! we do really well on panels."

"what an unexpected place!"
"bridge troll peon, adjunct professor, freelance biographer."

"if you go to MAPH, you will aspire to be a bridge troll."

"MAPH was, like, wholly bereft of numbers."

"MAPH: i don't know how to talk about it."

"i got a masters of arts in the humanities degree with an emphasis in rhetoric and worry."
"and anxiety and drinking."

"our diplomas, let's be honest- the whole thing looks like it was made at kinkos the night before."

"it's just an angry internet comment- that's all our diplomas are."

"it was the stepping stone to the rest of our lives but unintentionally, i mean, whoops!"

"when they told me they were accepting the story, it really felt like losing my virginity."

"what's a moravian feast?"

"i mean, i was THERE and i was like, 'i can't even believe it.'"

"how the fuck did i get through MAPH without coffee?"

"i was reading this and it was like science fiction. how did you get through MAPH without coffee?"

"i mean, if i saw a moravian..."
"they look like people."
"but i mean, how would i know?"
"i don't think you would."
"the wachovia key chain?"

"it was kind of sweetly naive. they didn't consider the connotations of 'love feast.'"

"i was very young because i wanted to be old."

"i'm walking down a chicago street on my way to my job wearing khaki pants and i'm carrying a coffee and i'm like,  'i'm an adult.' not when i see my wife or my credit card statement but when i have my coffee, only then do i feel adult."

"it doesn't work nearly as well as the image of your doodling so hard that you learned something."

"i thought it was like a weird japanese thing... the morning tie ritual. i thought it was a humility thing."

"he was really into mammarial architecture and islam."

"there was this giant breasty space mosque hovering over the tiny japanese fishing village where i was."

"austin watched the american erection. it was a big erection. an important erection."

"so this kid asks, 'austin-sensei, do you have american-sized penis?' and i'm like 'that was really good grammar but never ask me that again."

"do you know- it look like mississippi has testicles."

"this is a weird choice- do i pee or get another beer?"

"i think a lot of people get sluts in their bathrooms at this time of year."
"yeah, that's totally a seasonal thing... sluts in your bathroom."

"really, they have 'man whore'?"

"motherfucker, what do i do?"

"i feel like i know the shape of the state i went to school in."

"ok, what do all the southern states have balls?"

"i am like, 'holy shit, i wrote that!'"

"if you're a 12-year-old boy reading that, maybe the stuff about bilbo baggins' sword is more helpful that hearing that your penis size is only an indication of your penis size."

"well, sauron is obviously some kind of flaming vagina."

"it's like you opened the pandora's box of hobbit sex."

"dicks of the animal kingdom- that will help boys."

"no, no, that is totally unhelpful here, but it is also the greatest reading ever of the lord of the rings."

"it's about a group of men trying to destroy a wedding ring so they can spend more time together. and they have to throw it in a pit that is very vaginal. come on!"

"i mean, think about it. if people read the bible and that doesn't help, this really isn't going to be helpful."

"yeah, how fucked up would that be?"
"that is seriously fucked up."

"is there anything ball-like about an orchid?"

"i am very confused by this latin etymological root."

"do we need to have a labial intervention here?"
"that's a euphemism for sex if i ever heard one."

"the big book of menstrual bleeding."
"it'll look so well on our amazon list... gateway to arguments, dicks of the animal kingdom, doctors book of whatever, the big book of menstrual bleeding."

"seriously, if you call balls orchids, what do you call ovaries?"
"dumplings?"

"even in the total moron's experience of jackie, i think of her without a voice."

"she's been skewered in many a blog."

"it's like the stole our trope. i mean, at least give us the language of flowers."

"i swear to effing god, if we are ever out in a desert, i will save your fucking lives."

"i mean..."
"i don't even..."
"but ouch..."
"yeah, i know."

"are we still talking about labia?"

4 comments:

Osutein said...

That was a very anti-MAPH night. But then we wouldn't be there, and wouldn't have NLB, without MAPH. I feel so torn...

oline said...

there was quite a bit of biting the hand that feeds... though obviously it fed us in words and friends and debt, so some griping seems justified.

Linda said...

dag, yo! naked lady makes quotes fly!

oline said...

i feel like "i regularly search amazon for you" could be the absolute best/worst pick-up line to ever use on a writer.