"things i think you will appreciate: today i dressed like a mime."
"i have a chronic planning condition."
"i was just like jesus, except different."
"dear chick-fil-a cow, there's no winning me over from inside that suit."
"it could be like our own version of the purple hat club! except we aren't older. and we never had cancer."
"if you are working on Life Plans, then i can see the disappointment if you were banking on more."
"y'know, sometimes i forget you have a child. do you ever forget it?"
"now that levi has started a relationship with his uncle in new mexico..."
"they are, accordingly, steely and sore."
"and i bought a fun non-work-appropriate dress for being SOCIAL."
"let us find consolation in the fact that, in a world where very few things are ever certain, he is still a douche."
"i would be up-front about it and say, 'hey, my intentions are totally dishonorable and i'm not just saying that to be coy but really mean it.'"
"i don’t know if i’m more offended by the crudeness, or the obnoxious use of 'LOL'."
"sorry that my reproductive cycles are dominating my life choices right now."
"in her mind, she thinks, 'why put in the effort? i’d rather be unusual and handsome.'”
"i think there's a lot of people in this country who are afraid of aborting jesus."
"hello, 1999. i'm still a friend."
"hey, i have a penis that could cause warfare."
"by the power of this coors lite, i shall remember."
"i could sense that we needed to be his fairy godmothers and get him married."
"ohmygod, i almost forgot to mention the fake penis."
"they've got this whole crazy set-up with lights and sound and the little 'take two' board thing."
"Dicks of the Animal Kingdom is going to save lives. i mean, spiritually. Touched by an Angel-style. except, like Touched by Animal Dicks."
"i am a shameless quote floozy."
"it was like those penis straws you get at bachelorette parties."
"i liked him. he was like greenpeace personified."
"so at this point we're in an alley and ten feet from a train track... so, basically, the perfect setting for a hate crime..."
"i want to BE your google reader."
"geez. they call this strange and then tout making wine glasses from doll heads?"
"clearly clooney favors our generation."
"as for the new shakespeare movie, anonymous, keep in mind that it's coming from the director of godzilla, the patriot, 2012, the day after tomorrow, independence day, as well as the unforgivably terrible 10,000 b.c. of course, if you like your shakespeare with an impossibly large amount of pyrotechnics, wooden dialogue, and the most blatant disregard for historical accuracy and/or plausibility, it's bound to be an absolute gem."
"clearly i'm too old for trysting."
"i was just talking to oline and she was telling me about the wang panties..."
"we might have to have an intervention about those faux hair pieces."
"you don't have carrie bradshaw moments about your husband."
"silly fun is good."
"what is the appropriate verb for that? played?"
"HOW are you ALIVE????"
"i'm pretty sure it has not hit me. i'm also equally sure that it will."
"this will open so many doors, although i cannot back that statement up in any way."
"i need to learn to cook for people for whom i do not possess overwhelming sexual desire."
"yes! i encourage this platonic cooking endeavor!"
"i think that was us just reading too much into other people's email etiquette."
"just for a week, i would like to have cameron diaz’s life but none of the consequences."
"am i your defacto barny stinson?"
"nothing about you says gretel."
"it was hard to pee with the whole world between my legs."