17 August 2011

8 Movies You Really Should've Seen By Now If You Want To Consider Yourself A Grown Person: Zoolander


first, let me drop some knowledge that'll emphasize the fact that we really should all be grown persons by now: zoolander is ten years old.

ouch.

we know this because zoolander had the unfortunate luck to be released in the immediate aftermath of 9/11 so it was seen by maybe three people (and me and CP were two of the three). accordingly, its box office performance was lackluster, but don't take that as a reflection upon the film. because, if we're getting down to it, zoolander is The Greatest Movie of Our Time.

yeah, i said it. now let's consider the evidence.

zoolander stars david bowie, fabio AND billy zane. dude from the labyrinth, dude from the covers of millions of harlequin romances and mean dude from titanic who is directly responsible for the fact that leo drowned. that's a lot of star power for an 89-minute movie.

(to say nothing of will farrell, david duchovny, jon voight, milla jovovich, christian slater, donald trump, winona ryder and alexander skarsgÄrd.)

but this parade of celebrities is pretty much unnecessary given that on the strength of soundbites alone, zoolander is the greatest movie ever made in the history of the world.

how else would we know that "moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty"? without zoolander the american vocabulary would be missing really, really important words like "wack" and "delio" and the oft-use phrase: "listen to your friend billy zane"

my retorts to drunk people, and therefore my whole college career, would've been radically different had i never heard derek zoolander say, "oh, snap!"

you're convinced, i know. stars and catch-phrases. what more motivation could you possibly need to get The Greatest Movie Of Our Time into your queue? oh yeah, this...



8 comments:

Meggie said...

I have never seen it...

oline said...

which is why i'm here to tell you you should

Linda said...

you've got me motivated!

This is a movie I saw immediately after a break-up, so I feel like I should watch it again with a balanced brain.

(zoolander is my "oline's new york museum")

oline said...

you mean it's your oline's jfk library. and since i'm going to the jfk library this weekend, i think it's only fair we face our fears together.

oline said...

and i'm having the damnedest time figuring out who your fall 2001 breakup would've been. badfriendoline!

Anonymous said...

Lara heard the new Coldplay single "Every tear is a Waterfall" being announced on the radio and busted out the line "Yeah, maybe a waterfall for ANTS" complete with Derek intonation.

It was awesome.

oline said...

YES!!! this makes me happy.

Linda said...

bad friend-da as well, as I called it a museum instead of library!