so yeah. flying a plane was the scariest thing ever. in an especially scary way in which, the more i think about it, the scarier it becomes, so that the scariness only exponentially increases with each passing day.
which is scary in and of itself given that as it was happening, it was already the scariest thing to have ever happened in the history of the world. for the scariness to continually augment after the fact is just scary.
i am cursed to have an unusually high number of friends who have ridden in crop dusters. so that the revelation that flying a plane scared the shit out of me has been met with a wave of surprise and cheerful childhood memories of aeronautic endeavors.
i hypothesize that this is the result of both age and context.
because it's one thing to be a kid sitting on your grandfather's lap. you are small. the plane seems cavernous. there are beautiful fields below.
it's an entirely different thing to be a grown woman with a keen awareness of the jfk jr. death narrative, careening towards the sears tower in the smallest airplane ever built as it is being ruthlessly tossed on the wind like a rubber boat in a turbulent bath.
scary, people. so, so SCARY.
so scary, in fact, that i'm realizing to recover, i may one day have to do it again.