31 May 2011
0 may: a revue
"i was like, 'i can't wait for dana and oline to get here to tell them about the woman with the crazy red hair.' then i realized it was you."
"i double-fucked the columbia."
"just because i think your audience will probably be jews, agnostics and atheists..."
"but i think even jews will understand that."
"i mean, who's friends with the town floozie?"
"grapefruit juice for eucharist? it's tropical jesus! he's drinking piña coladas!"
"i feel like we just cheered on a race that isn't real."
"you were killed by a secondary couponing website."
"it's totally the laser disc of writing tools."
"i don't know if bbq and a mirror is the best idea."
"oh pillowfight. we almost went! twice!"
"france is like the country where romance comes from."
"do not say 'anything' or 'nothing' - there are no existentialist stores around here."
"our thirties are going to be so awesome! IT WILL BE THE BEST SEX OF OUR LIVES!!!"
"i had more fun this weekend than i have... well, i was going to say in awhile, but then i realized that was a lie- i have a lot of fun really often it seems."
"egypt... now that would be a flashmob."
"so confusing. but i'm going to go with 'only into me when he's drunk.'"
"yeah. i feel the same way about burritos. only into them when i'm drunk."
"we're not really candid."
"is that my napkin or my pants?"
"my girlfriend from NY is coming to town, there is a wedding, and a soccer game that involves a bus."
"they're like beanie babies except you don't wind up with a plush doll at the end."
"that's the masturbating party girl."
"i don't think she's masturbating."
"i don't know, it sounds pretty solo to me."
"is it the rapture yet?"
"i'm on board with the love and the friendly hippies. they have good food."
"i don't know how i feel about men's shoes that click."
"you just sort of sat. that doesn't equate to a frolic."
"oh babe. you're glowing!"
"now that I’ve put more nail into the ‘oline will never want kids’ coffin…"
"what is her... um... preference?"
"that question stemmed from both haircut and golf shirt. which are totally not things to define a person, i know."
"i envy her toned arms."
"i have real, actual money left over."
"how amazingly lindear is this???"
"i totally understand: you still want it to be, even though you don't want to publicly want it to be."
"...in a b-game outfit..."
"what made me be okay with her is my sloooowly acquired knowledge that some people are really, truly, actually like that."
"anyone who is still obsessed with their wedding from 2009 is not okay with me."
"you remember her... the woman who interviewed me three times this summer and made me submit four writing samples and then didn't hire me?"
"it's the year i regrew my virginity."
"things that dicks say for $1,000, alex."
"the faster things take off that means the quicker i have to clean my apartment."
"shredded carrots, oatmeal, salsa, tomato, and ground turkey. who knew?"
"can you feel the size of my brain swelling? all the learnicating."
"people view healthy eating as a real asshole thing to do."
"how does one DEAL with bad hair day as a redhead?"
"i yearn for cheese on toast."
"please celebrate. it is my first ever major electronical purchase without a boyfriend."
" i can’t figure out how to stretch it out and also not look like a wolf howling at the moon."
"i so aged during those 3 hours. on wooden benches. in a hot gym."
"my highlights are the diet, the roof, and the meatloaf!"
"how brave of it to go off all by its lonesome."
"i greet every compliment with 'i haven't washed it in DAYS!' which is probably not the best policy."
"i’d be cute if i were in a kevin smith movie."
"they have to be going to a show because that's an unusual amount of neon."
"little did i know you used to speak ebonics."
"food helps, of course."
"i don’t know about you but as soon as i realized that kirk cameron didn’t go anywhere, i knew we were all ok."
"really all you need to know is that kitty kelley asked if i was prepared for a cash bar."
"god, how did we survive high school without puking every day?"
"it will give you a chance to simplify your emotions. or at the very least, your dreams."
"we sacrifice a lot for your dead lover."
"i'm just saying, if 30 keeps up this pace, i may not make it to 31."