30 April 2011
3 april: a revue
"she's blokey, but with fabulous bosoms."
"sometimes, just because its spring, a girl wants a guy to wear cute sundresses for."
"i do not know how they will know tomorrow's weather today, but there you go."
"prophecy. they are close to God in their planes, you know."
"twilight: the musical! can you imagine the angst?"
"how very isrealites leaving egypt of you."
"corn on the cob! right by those trashbags!"
"i love seeing homeless couples."
"no wonder you had to become a redhead. you can't even wink."
"johanna's the wild one. i'm just the slut."
"my sexy evening plans include catching up on 'modern family' episodes, and returning a giant blue tarp to my dad."
"it looks like i have a sparkly clown bib"
"tonight is writing group. i haven't washed my hair in a solid week. those ideas are unconnected."
"what you need to know about my friday night is this: we watched monday’s episode of dancing with the stars and made fun of their guest rock-violinist the entire time."
"it’s like this is your long-lost horrible dancer daughter."
"you have been hawt the other 364 days out of the year. do not worry."
"HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG."
"thank goodness for your red hair."
"i will apologize for the millionth time for friending your mom on FB and then INTERACTING with her. i know that is weird. but i will not stop."
"now i, like, NEED to go to texas."
"i do think it's kind of impressive that we made it to near-30 before growing up really started to suck."
"it’s because you use bad words, isn’t it?"
"i scared the crap out of myself by reading a 'the protagonist will die of cancer' novel last week."
"i mean, what with labor and all. that's stressful."
"OH NO. don't go to texas then. they are big into the cake slice."
"it seems like that type of thing should be documented and shown to your spouse."
"what the hell. let's cancel bible study and go meet a kennedy."
"will your nails be painted? this almost begs a polka-dot manicure."
"it takes mega balls to attend a baseball game in the cold!"
"what if it is actualy caroline kenendy, NOT caroline kennedy? a cruel cruel joke played on us by borders out of spite for buying books on amazon?!?!"
"who cares if they’re all in pastels? you’re CITY. you are expected to look a bit more funereal than most."
"that was a confusing metaphor."
"yeah, you were a boy and your grandmother was a biography conference."
"that's just annoying. and i try not to do anything that's annoying."
"i've been smoking a cigar. this is not my breath."
"i can just picture your look drawn in colored pencil."
"i don't really know you so i'm not going to try to enter into your trauma."
"i love how they just put oceans 11 and the fast and the furious together to make the worst movie ever."
"bear in mind i have on way more eyebrow makeup than anyone should ever have..."
"how many caffeines are we talking here?"
"i'm starting to be concerned by the prominent role the songs of vanessa williams have been playing in my life."
"you have to warn me. i did that weird ‘try not to laugh at a really really funny thing while you are at work’ thing where you swallow air and almost choke on your gum."
"i am fairly certain it was new, but am also equally certain it was designed for a farm animal."
"and so it happened that my skinny, aging, awkward dutch father, slowly, awkwardly, and carefully did his first dunk-baptism in a water trough."
"woo hoo! …um… now it gets worse."
"yes. you totally need a big-ass brooch."
"tell me about these mustaches."
"mine was gray. which was unfortunate."
"life gets so much better when you don’t have to worry about when you’re ovulating."
"will cross my fingers for a 0 tonight."
"i don’t really have a reason for asking, other than you totally piqued my curiosity when you freaked out about your incontinence risk."
"fame is hard. especially if you're a canadian."
"i'm jetlagged and i didn't even go anywhere."
"we are on royal wedding time."
"the daily idiosyncrasies of my life were smite-worthy."
"well, you do talk to jesus..."
"yes, but i don't think he's a vending machine."
"alex is a craigslist find."
"i would never want to live there, but i will go and drink their 44 oz drinks."
"balls, my dear. balls."
filed under: soundbites