31 January 2011

2 january: a revue

"when your lip balm brand is the same as your child’s butt cream, every once in a while you feel like your lips smell like poopy diaper."

"it's like every romantic comedy starring reese witherspoon ever."

"it is good to be happy and confident when you are alone, but that is sad."

"that sandwich was not my fault. i didn't build it. i just ate it."

"when you get married, you’re totally going to be one of those girls who wear sex wigs."

"you can't wear your chastity ring and say things like that."

"there are few parties in my life. i feel like i need to make the most of the ones i get."

"i love how you party like it's 1990."

"it's not his fault. it's his complicated equatorial bloodlines."

"oh my God, so many people here are ancient."

"you dance like a wounded bird."

"when i was spending the summer on that indian reservation..."

"you need to get a beret. they are a chick magnet."

"he really does look like he's going to take down a gazelle."

"oooh, i like that black elvis! by which i mean the elvis wearing black."

"oh my God, if your soulmate were an elvis impersonator, that would be..."

"i feel her pain, and simultaneously accept your retroactive gratitude."

"unless it is a bicycle, i do not do well on things that are not my own two feet."

"beware: there are 8 people under the age of 9."

"i feel like every time i go to a bar with caroline, there are an inordinate number of elderly people present."

"i forgot how much dating can suck when you actually like the guy. it's so much easier if they wear a weird hat or do jumping jacks on the dance floor."

"snow storms in a world without snow days are just kind of depressing."

"i am fairly certain that setting goals may be my kryptonite."

"ice crystals. yes, they are dense in the air today. this means you will cough a lot when you breathe. but don't be alarmed, it's just ice carving holes in your lungs."

"pregnancy is this winter’s adopted black kid."

"why aren't those girls wearing more clothes?"
"because they're in a dome."

"you might've been raped or murdered... or run over a turkey!"

"you wear too much eyeliner to be a nun."

"so my dad thinks he's bill cosby, and i'm like 'you're white!'"

"nothing says mood killer like shit on your finger."

"what is imitation crab?"
"the hot dog of the seafood world."

"reading my angsty teen book after hanging out with johanna would be so focus on the family."

"i think i got eye murdered."

"i was just like, 'whatever, i'll talk about something relevant.'"

"joe, why are you double-fisting?"

"my name is jackie, and i like it up the butt."

"we're from small time u.s.a."

"the geographic booty call has totally defined my life."

"i feel like everyone i've ever met is going to be somewhere else when we have babies."

"did you just get quoted?"

"you're different. i can pet you anywhere. and i will."

"where is your mother hormonally?"

"do you want a gummy bear?"

"i can never look awesome in the eye."

"how did you like the manure analogy?"

"your phone is so cool though, i don't know, maybe we should call God on it."

"gossip is a buffet. you choose."

"i'm a big fan of her, so anything she does (within the scope of Jesus and the law) is automatically given my seal of approval."

"i would like to connect with more of those frustrated people in general. guys, girls, whoever. we need to stick together amidst all this nickelback and bon jovi."

"i frown upon pretty much any reminder that this is real."

"speaking of your mom’s facebook wall, i love her helpful links to disaster preparedness."

"we need to find train tracks."

"my entire life could be summed up by the phrase 'jack of all trades, master of none.'"

"there's a much better chance of your being a biographer than him being a beekeeper."

"i mean, i think her hair is a little sharky, but her shoes are cute."

"are they from the south, do you think?"
"because they're taking for-fucking-ever to eat three tacos."

"it makes me want to take you home."

"i was wearing my beret and watching that movie and thinking, 'he's so cool.'"

"the whiskey has turned on me when i've been with julie."

"i don't think anyone should do cocaine. do you know what the hell that does to your nose?"

"i don't care what gay men say. women do not lick."

"any time naughty food is involved, i am a happier person."

"that was notty."

"that's a sweet ass on that mime."

"i read 'the vagina monologues' in college... before i really knew what either of those words meant."

"so you're dating a dead woman who didn't have an orgasm until the onassis years?"


jmillewitz said...

"what is imitation crab?"
"the hot dog of the seafood world."

I think this is my favorite this month.

oline said...

that would be my lindear.