24 December 2010

3 tradition!

we here in the house of oline love us some traditions. be they in the form of funny hats or foodstuffs or what my father refers to as "programming for the heart-warmed." so it was in that spirit the other night that the vieve and i piled up on the fainting couch under the furry blanket as we do every year to watch that great holiday classic, a very brady christmas. and, of course, to cry and cry and cry.

there isn't too much you need to know about the first 97 minutes of AVBC. imdb has neatly summarized it for us as a teledrama in which "the entire brady family manages to overcome personal obstacles to spend a happy holiday together." well said.

but what we care about here is the great climactic scene of AVBC. (which, this year, becomes An Official Oline in The City Annual Tradition Because It Is Something That Has Occurred At Least Once Before®©.) we care about this because, in a harsh cruel world, it makes us feel more alive. because it is made it absolutely impossible for me to hear "o come all ye faithful" without mourning robert reed. and because pictures of people singing are always enjoyable...

mr. brady: here i go ill-advisedly into The Collapsed Structure.

mike roberts (the scrooge of AVBC): oh no!
The Collapsed Structure is collapsing further,
collapsing upon mr. brady,
who only just ill-advisedly entered it.

[the collapsed structure]
(when you are a kid, this looks like the scariest thing ever.
sadly, when you are an adult, it just looks like a dumpster.)

mrs. brady: yes, i will deign to speak with you, local broadcaster,
since you have conveniently coordinated your
microphone with my ensemble.

alice: i disapprove.

bobby: look at me. i am emoting.

cindy: hey, mom, do you remember that time you were
sick and we thought you wouldn't get your voice back
in time to sing "o come all ye faithful" on christmas eve?

mrs. brady: why yes, yes i do...

dear viewers who may not remember that...

THIS is what it looked like.

[actual AVBC dialog]
cindy: sometimes i wish i still believed in santa claus.

[actual AVBC dialog]
mrs. brady: well, cindy, big girls can have wishes too.

mrs. brady: maybe if i sing, my wish will come true.

cindy: oh, we're going to sing now. ok.

peter: oh, so we're singing.
this is just like that time we sang "sunshine day"
on tv in pastel jumpsuits to win the money to pay for
mom and dad's anniversary present when stupid jan
miscalculated the cost of the engraving.
ps. even though my head is a little square,
aren't i still totally the cutest brady boy?

mrs. brady: yes, we're singing.

grumpy trucker dude behind the bradys:
i do not approve of all this singing.

mr. brady:
what is that sound? why, it's people singing!
wait... it's the entire brady family singing!
why, i think i'll just overcome the personal obstacle of
this here Collapsed Structure so we can spend
a happy holiday together.

bobby: so we're still singing...

bobby: shouldn't he be coming out by now?

alice: i'm a little old for all this singing.

cindy: maybe if i hide behind her,
they won't now i've stopped singing.

mrs. brady: KEEP SINGING!


bobby: DUDE.

alice: seriously. too old for this.

phillip: jan's hair smells so good.

jan: i wish i was marsha.

mr. brady: i'll overcome the personal obstacle of
The Collapsed Structure very slowly so mrs. brady
will have ample time to finish the chorus.
then we can all spend a happy holiday together.

mrs. brady: it's mike! my singing helped him
overcome the personal obstacle of
the Collapsed Structure so now
the entire Brady family can spend
a happy holiday together.

bobby: this is the finest emoting i have ever done onscreen.

jan: stupid marsha.

cindy: i am totally going to cross this line.

bobby: i shall continue emoting.

alice: maybe i shouldn't have worn this housecoat?

mr. brady: i have come out of the Collapsed Structure.
please stop that singing.

mr. brady: and i'm FREE!
now the entire brady family can spend
a happy holiday together!


mr. brady: the entire brady family has managed
to overcome personal obstacles.
let's spend a happy holiday together
and try to ignore the fact that i will shatter young oline's world 
by dying of AIDS in four years.


Linda said...

my oline has many avenues of writing. the "EW.com" writer, as seen here, be one of my favorites.

Linda said...

(must mention that i LOVE the critics who write for EW.com, if that were not clear in the above statement.)

oline said...

i'm going to pull a quotedear and say, "tee hee."