17 December 2010

7 soundbites from the naked lady bar: japanese diplomatic disco dancing, amish sheet sex, white flight and the hitleresque aspirational art of thomas kinkade, painter of light

"aren't the japanese famous for drinking too much in professional situations?"

"that is all i want for christmas: his dirty, savage, brutal, bloody, murder."

"i mean, i am being violently hyperbolic, but i'm not the only one."

"i just spent the whole night praying for death."
"yeah, that's a work party."

"someone finish a thought. please."

"it's a sheet and a hole and all of a sudden there's genitals there."

"it pisses me off when people say there is someone for everyone. people get hit by buses and i wonder, 'who's that person's soul mate?!'"

"but i feel this is kind. in the way that God is kind."

"you seem like a good person, but i have the chance to fuck you now and i don't feel that bad."

"he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would do a lot of sushi, like... in his regular life."

"i repeat the maneuver."

"start with the dream, man. start with the dream."

"you have a lot of googling to do."

"thomas kinkade's very existence is like shitting on the statue of liberty."

"it's like what my ancestors dreamed of as they were pulling pigs from the shitholes of scotland- maybe one day we will live in a shitty cottage in a wood by a lane. and thomas kinkade can make that happen."

"it's always that fucking cottage. why? i mean, did he lose his virginity in that cottage?"

"i want to say janeane garafalo but what i mean is georgia o'keefe."

"this is the thing about thomas kinkade. he and hitler painted the same shit. he was worse than hitler... at least in art."

"and that's the american dream: we all just wind up being white people."

"dude, what is that?"
"it's texas."
"it looks like an udder."

"of course, you know what i'm getting at here... black people."

"it's just best buy following the white people out of town like a beacon of hope."

"that's what the midwest does. it's so flat, there's nowhere for history to hide."


oline said...

and if anyone has any illuminating information about the whole amish sheet sex business (which, we have determined, has absolutely nothing to do with gone with the wind), please do share...

Dananator said...

wait, wait - i have yet to use my google-fu to fully confirm that the sheets in Gone With the Wind are intact. maybe the tailoring of the sheets happened in a footnote. or it only exists in non-canonical apocrypha, like the Dead Sea Scrolls of Gone with the Wind .

but the more i think about it, wasn't that a Victorian situation? i could totally see holes in sheets brought to us by the same people that put skirts around pianos to keep them from immodestly showing their legs.

oline said...

that does strike me as being very new england aristocratic victorian. it's hot in the south. despite the prudishness, i don't think they would've been looking to add more bedclothes.

i do love that gone with the wind was your go-to source for freakish sexual practices.

Osutein said...

I think what I actually said was, "thomas kinkade's existence is like shitting on the statue of david."

oline said...

really, sensei? you want to engage my elephantine memory in a duel?

Lara Ehrlich said...

i believe there was a hole-sheet in Midnight's Children, so maybe it's an Indian thing? Hrm.

oline said...

dananator, we may need to add this to your list of googleables. having already googled the dead people on mount everest, i think i'm done for the day.