30 November 2010

4 november: a revue



"so here today... DRAMA. let's start with my vagina..."

"is this the non-sexual dinner thing?"

"who knew my childhood was so jon benet?"

"now. let’s focus on your vagina."

"you make a hot man, in an attractive female sort of way."

"my kid loves cake, as we knew he would."

"when you say 'beginning of the end', do you mean like his life? or just his corporate career?"

"you’ve probably had the equivalent of a lady erection all day."

"i got hit on by a pan-sexual."
"well, that's just gay."

"it's like vacation of the dolls."

"it makes me really sad that i just spent 49¢ plus $3.95 shipping."

"i'm sure he's a lovely person, but wow."

"well, some of us can't pull off a rapier and an eyeliner mustache."

"i don't like people when i'm sober but when i'm drunk, i'm totally into them."

"i have this scarlet johansen/napoleon dymnamite appeal thing going on. it drives the boys nuts."

"once my stylist started cutting, she went 'oh shit.'"

"my issue of laughing too loud almost caused a new friendship."

"that was hopefully the last time I ever have to discuss anyone’s cervix with my father."

"she wanted to do an audrey hepburn thing because my features are sharp. little did she know my forelocks don't agree."

"your birds were provocative."

"if you can help it, never lock yourself in the house with a newborn during the entirety of winter."

"i almost needed my elastic waistband maternity pants this morning."

"is 'a paean to the human spirit' what maeve binchy sits down to compose at her mahogany desk overlooking the irish sea?"

"my white guilt doesn't know who to vote for."

"americans have always had a ridiculous relationship with the british monarchy, which has basically consisted of knowing little about it but remaining fascinated with princess diana."

"there were also many good moments involving your rapier - let's not sell those short!"

"will you be dancing in colorado or in illinois?"

"canadian pen-pal, gay ex-boyfriend - it's like you're hanging with the cast of degrassi the next generation."

"yes, the motee. and don't give me that face. i didn't come up with the nomenclature."

"what is a midwife? a funny question considering i actually once went to one on accident."

"remember the cupcakes, eaton! REMEMBER!"

"dare i ask, what is she going to do with the one ovary?"

"i feel like i've done nothing all week but consider lady plumbing."
"it has been one of those weeks, yes. fissures, ovaries, cervixes… next week, let’s talk about ding dongs."

"before we were married, it was the 'we’re in LOVE!! let’s make as many babies as we can!!!' plan..."

"a strange random thing happened to me the other day. i woke up with a strong desire to have sex with ewan mcgregor."

"and um... why are you all in bed in sleeping bags?"
"we’re in sleeping bags because our comforter has baby pee on it."

"we're the family that had menorah ornaments on our christmas tree."

"if the palins’ life were a sitcom, andy would be the guy brought on to play the levi johnston character in the pathetic final season, after the original actor left to embark on a failed career in movies."

"you must be very good with liquids."

"i live off of swag."

"like, the distinction between 'savoring' and 'this is a meal'?"

"i was 23. what is sex even like when you're 23? all i remember is dark and awkward."

"who is playing tonight that there are so many people in line not dressed like hipsters... and a mom?"

"it is so hard to pack for climates you are not residing in."

"am i allowed to go? clearly, no, look at the attitude face she just gave me."

"we watched chicago together yesterday morning while my dad was at church. i feel quite proud of myself for introducing such 'smut' to my mother. she loved it."

"it's a polarizing spread."

"NEVERMIND. abort, abort! save your monies!"

"who needs news about unemployment and other terrible things when you can rewatch the same five minutes of footage of wills and kate on every news shows."

"i thought it was going to be more of a ghost story than a social ill."

"it's not like the bears get ennui from living in the suicide forest."

"if we're going to talk about puberty, i need more alcohol."

"i hear sampling."

"i don't want to go to heaven. i totally want to haunt the fuck out of some other place with a hell of a lot of other ghosts."

"i like stories about different kinds of outsiders eating together."

"they are the worst, but everyday they are the worst in a new, visually perplexing way, and i am unable to stop looking."

"i look at the confederate flag and i think, 'this reminds me of evil but it also reminds me of home.'"

"it is like a nexus of suck."

"i'm entering the world of skinny jeans."

"my balls are lumpy but still quite tasty."

"he was tall, lean and salt and peppery."

"the rest of us are lying, but i feel like you might be telling the truth all of the time and that is terrifying, especially in the context of this story."

"i mean, i wasn't even on the bottom rung. we were looking up to the kids who played dungeons and dragons."

"grinding and nipples are your calling."

"there's no stadium seating in hives."

"it's a psychic bomb, like having an erection in math class at 15."

"and i did buy the gold shoes. i felt, after all of that, they were a medical need."

"i have, in the most non-creepy way, an unexplained emotional attachment to these shoes."

"he seemed quite charming though a little tired. apparently he was tired because he was making fun of us on the inside."

"this is going to sound a little crazy, but i want more descriptions of the grinding."

"your naughties don't do anything for me."

"it's like cousin it, you know, but foreign."

"i came through a lot of wires but only one of them was expensive."

"i'm never going to be that person because i'm never going to be that cold."

"we laughed so hard that we got headaches so bad that we had to go buy a $30 bottle of 1,000 ibuprofens at cvs."

"i dreamt i was single and acquired the attentions of a sexy older man by making a quip about cooking."

"you never think that far ahead when you're young. that one day we'll be thirty and drinking wine... and not for pretend."

"ah zen, a place where- while i love it- i feel things often are not zen."

"you give a firm cuddle."

"in terms of biographies, the Bible is kind of not good."

4 comments:

Acer Negundo said...

These are always a joy.

oline said...

i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks so.

Osutein said...

I'm almost positive I said some of these things.

oline said...

true. the key to getting quoted appears to be drinking and naked ladies.