22 October 2010

6 high hell

i come from a family with faulty feet so i probably should've seen this coming. i should've divined that there would be a day- last monday, for instance- where walking a mile and a half in four inch heels might have repercussions. a smarter girl would have known that was not a good idea, but every now and again, i am not the smartest girl.

for instance, i believe without a doubt that i was meant to be 5'10". this is neither rational nor logical, it simply is. sadly, i'm a humble 5'7", a genetic slip-up i have sought to rectify over the years through increasingly steep footwear. accordingly, i've eschewed flats and instead clack my way through the city in stilettos and at such a pace that more than one man has been moved to ask in awe and wonder, how do you do that in those things?

women compliment my dresses, men compliment my shoes and the contours of my calves could rival barbie's so this all worked very well for me until last monday, at which point things pretty much went to shit.

because last monday i hurt my left foot. in some deep internal way that is defying correction by any of the means i usually deploy. i've wrapped it and soaked it and stayed off it and invested in so many dr scholl's pain reliving orthotic insoles that i'm standing atop such a thick cloud of massaging gelatin that i no longer need heels to attain my ideal height.

and yet nothing has worked. the bones of my foot continue to make their presence known. with each step, i feel them rolling around in there, like beads on an abacus. my feet, they are not happy. i know this to be true.

i make the mistake of confiding to my gran- she of the faultiest family feet. i tell her that my foot is in full revolt and she tells me this: you know what you need is to go to walmart and get you some of those extra thick socks with the plastic beads on the bottom and then some of those special shoes. the ones with velcro. that would set you up real fine.

precisely what these shoes with velcro would be setting me up for, she did not say. and i dared not ask. because there are things it's best not to know.


Acer Negundo said...

I feel your pain! Even though I tend to compromise fashion for mroe practical footwear, it's only because the conditions I face for 7 months of a year are so extreme it's unavoidable. And there are no trains.

No velcro. No. I might be able to help you in the fotowear department.

Acer Negundo said...

Excuse my typos.

oline said...

are you helping me out in the velcro department?

Acer Negundo said...

No. I am opposed to velcro. Totally. I am a velcro-free zone. There will be no velcro. Ever.

We will find you the ultimate bombshell shoes that will not make your feet look or feel like pulverized meat. This is our mission.

Linda said...

I like this Acer Negundo person. Any friend of oline's who opposes pulverized-meat-feet is a friend of mine.

oline said...

that, my lindear, would be birnsy, the world-famous canadian penpal.