27 August 2010

3 friends forever

dear caroline kennedy, hey, let's be friends. because you're kind of my namesake. and we both clearly love burgers. and i'm guessing, based on the plate in front of you, that you like fries and, really, there is no greater advocate for potatoes than me. i, like, love potatoes. no, really, for reals. i love potatoes so much that i love them slightly more than i love james franco, which should give you an idea of how much i love potatoes because, like, everybody knows i really love james franco. so, hey, we should be friends, you and i. because we already have so much in common, what with the name and the potatoes and all. and because, hey, i'm writing this incredibly hip, totally awesome book about your mother and i think you'd really like it. because you seem incredibly hip and totally awesome and i hear you like collecting other incredibly hip and totally awesome people and, caroline kennedy, i am not only incredibly hip and totally awesome but also highly collectible. so, here i am, caroline kennedy. collect me. and while you're at it, while we're becoming BFFs and what not, could you maybe whisper a word to all the people who would be totally useful in the writing of this incredibly hip, totally awesome book? could you maybe, pretty please, ask them not to die? because- and i don't want to complain, caroline kennedy- but it's hard to write an incredibly hip, totally awesome book when the sources are kicking the bucket the day after you approach them. death is so not hip. really, let's be honest, it's the anti-awesome. so if you could ask them to hang on for a little while longer, that would totally rock. oh, and it would be totally helpful if you could tell them you and i are all tight now. because when they ask if The Family has approved of me, really, caroline kennedy, we all know they're asking about you. because you are The Family. so it would be really cool if you could, like, y'know, approve of me and shit.
luv + kisses!



Linda said...

...who died?

oline said...

paul de ganay, who may or may not have deflowered her. oleg cassini (in 2006, but i nonetheless mourned upon just realizing it). jamie auchincloss didn't die but he went to jail for child porn so that's pretty much the same thing.

oline said...

and i hope to God you all have freaking "friends forever" in your heads now too.