30 June 2010

0 june: a revue



"i think i was meant for fancy sports."

"i wonder if it’s really the case that back then 'we didn't know ethan hawke could kind of be a dick'? given the trajectory of my life, this might be an important question."

"i completed a sex act yesterday."

"and why the hell would i need a frankentot?"

"i can't remember what you were doing this weekend, but whatever it was, what did you wear?"

"we are very '80 year old' cell phone users so we paraded into the verizon store and said we just use our phones to make calls and could someone direct us to the phones with the biggest buttons."

"hopefully this is no reflection on my love for alaska compared to my love for my son."

"...even when we acknowledge the horror that is mickey rooney in full asian-minstrel..."

“other people talk about being 'moony' don't they? or is this like the dutch people talking about putting bricks on your head?”

“i saw a picture of a strawberry cake similar to Our Strawberry Cake and contemplated sending it to you but then i figured that would be the food equivalent of sending you porn so i didn't.”

“do you have anything exciting coming up? and i say that realizing that you are Parents, which is probably excitement enough but still...”

"who knew shoes were so important to philosophy..."

"these flowers are ridiculously huge."
"i felt that's why had to take them. when would we ever have the opportunity to take such ridiculously huge flowers again?"

"so matthew comes home and see our clothes all over the living room floor. i feel for matthew sometimes."

"what is the opposite of comedy? oh yeah, DRAMA."

"they’ve been dating for six weeks. SIX WEEKS!! their love is the equivalent of a middle school grading period."

"we shall miss the Days of Hedonism. but just as glamorous, if not quite as sparkly, are the Days of Thriftiness."

"this is not going to be as 'uncomplicated' as you were hoping, i fear."

"that makes it sound like things are going to unfold at a pace far more rapid than an 8 hour car ride."

"floating in the mental sense, not in the 'that was our word for period while we were in college' sense."

"don’t you love my using my own child as a pawn in thriftiness?"

"sick days are really the only times i lament the lack of a television."

"single life wasn't so different. i just ate out a lot less and didn't have anyone to make out with."

"TAKE ME WITH YOU! and i mean that so much more than i meant it with charleston."

"i've never before been in a room with so many people who have wikipedia pages."

"so i guess we'll stop where toledo would've been if toledo were on this road."

"apparently everyone in cleveland is either black or a white hippie. that's just the nature of the town."

"you don’t look afraid. you look coy."

"the kind of love that makes a woman feel like nick nolte’s mug shot."

"sometimes i think i was born to be yiddish."

"gary brooks faulkner, like all people with three names, was on a mission to kill."

"you look very yesteryear."

"once i was in the right-sized bra i felt like my boobs had been touched by Jesus."

"you're going to lunch and it's not even 9 a.m.? i think that's a sign that you are officially aged."
"no. it's 9 a.m. and we have begun preparations to leave by 10:30. THAT is a sign that we are aged."

"if i were a black person, i'd totally get a white tattoo."

"is that an air conditioner or a new idol you guys are worshiping?"

"she commented on our family tradition of hats the other day."
"yes, it is a long and noble tradition, circa 2005."

"i know, i know, you said 'never' before the 'good idea' part. but still. we may have to Do This."

"1:30 a.m. = DEATH."

"but still... very WHOA."

"your situation is much more amusing to me because it does not involve me."

"yesterday, i took part in a group interview for best buy that included the following: three mr. potato head dolls assembled as a team, three children's animal puzzles assembled as a team, and an industrial pack of scented markers used to write our own name tags. i was confused because i thought i was going to have to identify electronics or something... not do kindergarten activities."

"dae woos are an extinct breed."

"it's kind of twee given that all you can do in south africa is take drugs and get raped."

"yeah, i don't know why he has a beard when he has a jaw like that."

"red bull... it tastes like the piss of an annoying cartoon character. like sponge-bob square pants."

"i think my head may explode- in part from the cold i've been living with since saturday and partly from the general unknown that is my life."

"thank God for alcohol otherwise my life would be EXACTLY unchanged from 1991."

"i think that mixed feelings are a woman's prerogative."

"i am very boring, so i don’t want your life. but i do want your food."

"i have very mixed feelings toward dave eggers. as opposed to my feelings towards guacamole, which are only ever all good."

"the desire to pack food in a cooler is true evidence of your southern womanhood."

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