(things you need to know before reading this:
in the fifth grade, before graduating to middle school, on a blue piece of construction paper cut into the shape of a star and laminated, we had to write in permanent marker what we wanted to be when we grew up.
an overly earnest child with a propensity for misapplying sunday school concepts to elementary school life and who, even at the age of nine, all too easily committed to things for forever, i mistakenly believed this to be a covenant. and that to fail at the mission outlined on my blue star would be to let down God.
never mind that i hated science and math and took no concrete steps in the direction of becoming a veterinarian beyond having pets and performing poorly in the science and math courses i took. because i wrote in permanent marker on my blue laminated star that i would be a veterinarian, that is what i would be.
nearly everything that has happened to me in the last twenty years can be traced back to that blue star.
because i cling to the things that make the least sense, the dream of being a vet lasted entirely longer than it ever should have, leading me to take a seminar on veterinary medicine at cornell, where i also took a russian class, which led me to mississippi state, where they had both a vet school and a russian department. a russian department that was abolished the semester after i arrived. when freshman chemistry kicked my ass, i happened to be taking an advanced comp class from a horrid professor who advised me to switch majors, which put me in the class of a university of chicago graduate, who recommended me for MAPH, which i got into, which is why i flew up to chicago for that weekend where i met jen even though i knew i'd never go for real, only i did. upon moving back to memphis after, i applied for a random sales job at a random magazine, where the publisher was a cornell graduate and, upon seeing i'd gone there, he gave me the job, and because i had that job, i was able to get out of memphis and move back to chicago and because i was back in chicago... well, you get the idea.
blue star. big deal.
i say all of that so you will appreciate the exhaustion and the fear here as well as the astonishing smallness of the fact that sean cut his hair...)
[translation: 26 September 1996, Thursday, 9:18- Braves lost (7-1). I came to the horrific realization today that at the time I graduate there may be an overbundance of vets. What will I do? I've never planned for anything else. This has always been my dream but apparently I have shared it with many others. I fell down the stairs and hurt my foot. I'm so scared about my future. What will become of me? I got an 84% on the bio. test. Did well on Latin and Algebra. Kim is driving me insane. I'll discuss that another day. I'm exhausted. Sean cut his hair.]