31 May 2010
1 may: a revue
"i don't think my cheeks have ever looked more pregnant."
"your boobs do tend to stand out more once anyone pulls out a camera. it's your chest's way of saying 'CHEESE!'"
"you can only go so far in life if you're worried about your hair all the time."
"since then, i have seriously contemplated the possibilities of dating a black man."
"always take a chance with someone who smells good."
"not enough people wanted to drive to a warehouse in the rain and get naked after 10 p.m."
"cute and poor is always the way to go."
"we all were tense and stress peed in the parking garage downstairs. even the girls."
"i still feel he is not very funny- but his kindness and height are winning attributes."
"and then they said 'just throw it in the dumpster' and i said 'but our children's children!!!' and they laughed at me."
"this will result in either abject failure or GLORY."
"today, for the first time in my life, i purchased a set of condoms."
"i love that you said 'set.' as though this were a table-setting of wedding china rather than the, equally important, gift of safe sex."
"it seems to have singlehandedly upped the frequency with which the words 'impish' and 'rascal' are applied to me."
"no, caroline... he has a tambourine."
"i'm obsessed with denmark. i want to be danish. i want a hot danish man in a loin cloth. i wish i weren't at work. i only want to do fun things."
"yeah, there were elderly coming in and i didn't know what to do with that."
"we have to find the happy median between a man who wears a women's jacket and a boy who camps too much."
"have i ever told you my dramatic story about chaps?"
"i think about you whenever i drink milk."
"you know you're old when your idea of a great birthday is eating pizza, watching lost, and falling asleep on the couch at 8:30."
"i also had some socks that i wore a lot this winter that reminded me of you."
"consider us your Safe Haven!"
"what is the proper response when someone emails you a 'my bad'?"
"that's the story of my life. i never know where i'm going and i wind up standing in the middle of the road screaming 'ha-ha! please don't hit me!'"
"it went in my mouth like a worm."
"he was the anti-sexy. if i had a boner, he made it go away."
"you know when you're, like, 21 and you just want to get drunk and take your clothes off?"
"i love granny panties. they make sense."
"boobs are great tools, right?"
"that is a weird group of girls. i feel like they all have sex together."
"you're a virgin? good for you. i'll bet God likes that."
"how avid of a facebooker is she?"
"don't. open. the. vault."
"can you check my broad?"
"i feel that i own this bar. this bar is MINE."
"it's like a body bag."
"or a santa sack... wow, that really sums up the differences in our thinking."
"this is totally sex and the city but do you wanna go get manicures?"
"this tuesday is feeling especially monday-ish."
"any sorrow you experience is like fine tea, artfully staining the stationery of your life."
"my goal for monday is to be one shade darker."
"let us dwell for a moment on the brilliance of 'photoalbumsoline.' and yes, i like it mostly because 'bumsoline' is really funny."
"there are some things you just owe to your unborn child. cake is one of them."
"in my 20 minutes in the sun a random man who had been sitting on a bench nearby- presumably for his entire adult life- came over to ask if i had any friends, specifically any 'man-friends.'"
"his torso intrigues me. is it made of wood?"
"it's like an oasis in an ocean of bullshit."
"never move into a house with a bunch of people you love and a person who wants to fuck you."
"she knows not of the penis."