three days ago, i very innocently opened a bottle of wine. with a wine bottle opener. because, typically, that is how one opens a bottle of wine.
except when it's a $5 bottle of wine and, therefore, comes with a cleverly concealed screw-top. a fact that isn't revealed until, in the course of one's extremely determined, diligent efforts to open a screw-top bottle of wine with a wine opener, one strikes plastic and accidentally drives said wine bottle opener full-force into the middle knuckle of the middle finger of one's left hand. then one tends to reevaluate the efficacy of one's strategies.
and yes, we're talking about me here. i am the fool who did this.
it drew no blood. didn't so much as leave a mark. so i screamed a protracted bloody murder and promptly forgot i had ever driven a metal corkscrew through my middle finger. nor did i notice that the middle knuckle of my middle finger had shifted a good quarter inch to the left of where it usually abides.
i did not notice until the next morning when, after a restless sleep, i awoke to find that, no thanks to my lovely balled fist habit, the newly slipped middle knuckle in my middle finger had segued into a fairly severe case of claw hand. an unfortunate circumstance that had the unfortunate side effect of producing a sensation that can be best characterized as knuckle constipation.
it needs to crack!!! alas, it cannot.
i'm guessing this whole mess requires some correction. one cannot keep a slipped knuckle forever, after all. it should be fixed. probably with a tug and a snap and a panoply of bracing and gauze and tape and such.
but for now, i am contenting myself with a pretty potent combo of ibuprofen and bandaids. because i'm the girl who has consulted her physician for phantom ear pains three times in the past six months. i'm quite certain they've flagged me as a hardcore erythromycin addict. how on earth to explain this new turn of events?
the best line i can come up with is this: hey, doctor, so i was stone cold sober opening a bottle of cheap wine with an entirely unnecessary tool and it just slipped! and, really, that's just embarrassing.