27 January 2010

16 wine oh!


three days ago, i very innocently opened a bottle of wine. with a wine bottle opener. because, typically, that is how one opens a bottle of wine.

except when it's a $5 bottle of wine and, therefore, comes with a cleverly concealed screw-top. a fact that isn't revealed until, in the course of one's extremely determined, diligent efforts to open a screw-top bottle of wine with a wine opener, one strikes plastic and accidentally drives said wine bottle opener full-force into the middle knuckle of the middle finger of one's left hand. then one tends to reevaluate the efficacy of one's strategies.

and yes, we're talking about me here. i am the fool who did this.

it drew no blood. didn't so much as leave a mark. so i screamed a protracted bloody murder and promptly forgot i had ever driven a metal corkscrew through my middle finger. nor did i notice that the middle knuckle of my middle finger had shifted a good quarter inch to the left of where it usually abides.

i did not notice until the next morning when, after a restless sleep, i awoke to find that, no thanks to my lovely balled fist habit, the newly slipped middle knuckle in my middle finger had segued into a fairly severe case of claw hand. an unfortunate circumstance that had the unfortunate side effect of producing a sensation that can be best characterized as knuckle constipation.

it needs to crack!!! alas, it cannot.

i'm guessing this whole mess requires some correction. one cannot keep a slipped knuckle forever, after all. it should be fixed. probably with a tug and a snap and a panoply of bracing and gauze and tape and such.

but for now, i am contenting myself with a pretty potent combo of ibuprofen and bandaids. because i'm the girl who has consulted her physician for phantom ear pains three times in the past six months. i'm quite certain they've flagged me as a hardcore erythromycin addict. how on earth to explain this new turn of events?

the best line i can come up with is this: hey, doctor, so i was stone cold sober opening a bottle of cheap wine with an entirely unnecessary tool and it just slipped! and, really, that's just embarrassing.

16 comments:

Meggie said...

Do you want me to email you the instruction of how to pop your finger back into place? It sounds like you dislocated your proximal phalange.

oline said...

yes please, dr meggie. it huuuuuuuuuuuuurts!

Les Savy Ferd said...

hehe, phalange.

(My stepdad is missing a knuckle in his left hand from a bar fight.)

oline said...

(that is extremely hardcore.)

Les Savy Ferd said...

(I know, you would never think of it if you met the man)

oline said...

(then again, there's something about that story that very much captures the spirit of upstate new york.)

Les Savy Ferd said...

(very much like the swamps of Louisiana if i remember correctly)

oline said...

oh the swamps of louisiana. i will never ever let you forget that.

Les Savy Ferd said...

it is something of a folk legend at this point.

oline said...

i have firm plans to never let that joke die.

Lara Ehrlich said...

Where have you been today! Did you knuckle get infected? Did you die? I hope not!

oline said...

yes, because meggie never sent the aforepromised email on how to amend my finger, i have died and am hereby writing to you all from the afterlife, where we do nothing but eat cake and play croquet while sir laurence olivier reads jane austen aloud.

Meggie said...

Dude, sorry, I had work! It was my crazy day of brain tumors (I have a crazy ton of glios--brain tumor Teddy had).

Can you bend your finger at all? If it is still stuck into a fist then go to the doctor because you might have gotten a nerve entrapped in there (very easy to do). Go to one of those urgent care places--it will be faster and they can do it there.

oline said...

oh nerve entrapment! perish the thought! it's bendable but swollen and purplish now with a decidedly potatoish appearance.

Lara Ehrlich said...

EW!

Meggie said...

A lot of joints will slide back in themselves.

If you want, you can do ice but don't keep it on there for any longer than 15-20 minutes.