17 December 2009

8 a part


when i was five or six, just after jessica died, an unfortunately early viewing of the red shoes jumbled up with my love of the three musketeers to lead me to a very firm belief that if i did not perform well in ballet, a man in a blouse and bearing a saber would sever my hands at the wrist while i slept.

i went to elaborate lengths to prevent this, deliberately sleeping on my stomach, fists balled into my chest. because then the musketeer would have to roll me over and wake me. and being awake while one's wrists were being severed seemed somehow dramatically less scary than a saber slicing across them as i dreamed.

i say all this now because partner is very sick.

and she will be fine. because she is always fine. because no matter what has happened in the past or how scary things have gotten, we have all of us always been fine.

and yet, even though i know this, even though i am the cheerleader of Love Not Fear and i know everything always unfailingly works out in the end, even though i believe all of that more firmly than i ever believed in the man in the blouse, there are still those nights.

nights when, no matter how tough and independent a 28-year-old woman you try to be, you wake up on your stomach, fists balled into your chest, and the old familiar prick of fear in the dark leaves you a little girl waiting for someone to come along and cut her up.

8 comments:

oline said...

so... hey croftie, tell me about your irrational childhood bellybutton fear.

(and i don't know where the header has gone here. OitC is falling apart!!!)

Les Savy Ferd said...

to this day, if a hug or a hand on her side leads in any way to my fingers being in close proximity to her bellybutton L will freak the fuck out.

which of course just makes me do it more.

oline said...

belly buttons are so creepy. and were you the person who used to fear being stabbed in the heart? (can you tell we had a big childhood knife fears convo on the train yesterday?)

Lara Ehrlich said...

My (irrational?) fear that a man might stab me through the bellybutton during the night led me to sleep with both hands flat against my stomach. Rationally, the knife would then pierce the hands first, thereby dulling the bellybutton impact.

Les Savy Ferd said...

couldn't you've just slept on your stomach?

oline said...

my question is why were we all so convinced we'd be knifed in our sleep?

Linda said...

mine was my ears. hence, a pillow or blanket over my head at all times as a child.

oline said...

ooooh, that would be infinitely harder to guard!