30 September 2009

0 sigh.

3 september: a revue



"the thing is, she is very, um... dutch. like, harsh and northern."

"we had dinner a mere two nights ago so i've spent the whole day trying to remember if we hugged at all and if i might be unknowingly infected."

"was the response to your boobs comment acceptable?"

"i'm just hanging out here, living the pooh-bear life."

"please don't turn into a lush. i can only deal with one alcoholic at a time."

"it may be a brick wall, yes, but i'm going to label it 'dreaming.'"

"they are new and different and croftie swore they don't give me cow calves."

"granted the first time, only Jesus knew i was pregnant..."

"because i am a sicko, i can't help but wonder exactly how old this blood is. is it like a tree where you can count the rings?"

"how sad is it that i’m 28 years old, and my mom is coming over to clean my room?"
"as the girl who spent last weekend sharing a bed with her mother rather than her boyfriend, i do not find that sad at all."

"this is providential busyness is what it is."

"you girls smoke cigars?"

“and i guess this is the point we have to accept that ed westwick is a fool and chuck bass lives in our imaginations, because really only a douche would get such stupid tatoos.”

"watch the wedding date. because as long as there are male prostitutes, then there is a chance for love."

"you don’t live somewhere officially until you’ve slept and pooped there."

"no time like the present to get shit done."

"but for a while before all that happened, i really did feel quite jackie o."

"there's just something about melted cheese on bread and melted chocolate on brownies."

"if i were a uterus, i'd totally be panicking right now."

25 September 2009

1 baby got back

thanks to the bike and life and whatever, i have recently been given the great gift of fairly fucking bad back pain. i'll admit, i brought this upon myself. i'm a strong, independent woman. of course i'd rather strain all the muscles in my body before requesting help lifting a bicycle up a flight of stairs. and, of course, having done so, i'd promptly forsake my yoga and run out to partake in multiple evenings of live music and the endless standing and toe-tapping that entails.

all of which brings us to a point where i- a girl who can no longer make it through an hour-long church service without hunching forward in an agony that has thrice been mistaken for spiritual fervor- am facing the pair of 9-hour plane rides in my future with a dread similar to that with which many approach the dentist.

but i'm a strong, independent woman. strong, independent women take control! they do something! they act! so, of course, i did what any strong, independent woman would do. i went out and got a massage.

when i called for an appointment, they didn't ask if i wanted a man or a woman. i don't know what i would have said if they had. in the end what i wound up with was a man, a 30-minute massage and a back that no longer feels like a dart board.

which is a very very lovely thing that nonetheless raises one frightful truth.

i am a 28-year-old single girl and i just paid a man to touch me.

4 friends with benefits

last night was my first red carpet event.
mind you, the carpet was short, but it was still very red.
and in the continuing diabolical adventures of my bible study,
there was drinking and a drag queen.
can i get an amen?





23 September 2009

7 shall we dance? oh yes, we shall.


last night, croftie and i had the best date ever. salads. cupcakes. shall we dance. all of which has convinced me that we, as a culture, sorely underestimate the healing power of ms. jennifer lopez.

05 September 2009

3 is it wrong that i'm kind of in love with curtis sittenfeld?

because i have a sneaking suspicion curtis sittenfeld and i could sit down together and have a long talk and a really good cup of coffee. i get the sense she knows me better than i know myself.

exhibit a:
"I'd always loved the part in movies when a project, or even a person's whole life, came together: the montage, set to uplifting music where you saw the spunky multicultural kids set aside their differences and fix up the old man's house, straighten the hanging shutters, paint the outside, mow the lawn, and week the flowerbed; or the twentysomething woman who finally lost weight, dancing through aerobics classes, mopping her brow while she rode a gym bike, with a white towel around her neck, and then at last she emerged from the bathroom all cleaned up, bashful but beautiful (of course, she had no idea how beautiful), and her best friend hugged her before she left for the date or party that would be her triumph. I wanted to be that person, and I wanted the in-between time when I improved myself to glide by just that smoothly, with its own festive soundtrack."