07 August 2009

12 tits pervert


tits are a tricky business.

(that subtle change in air pressure was the boy half of the room going YES. she's going to talk about boobs and for the record, yes, i am going to talk about boobs).

a seriously tricky business.

because we have all these expectations for tits. well, at least girls do. boys probably couldn't care less if we all walk around topless, but we girls grew up with barbie as our breasty ideal. the belief that breasts should appear, if not be, perfectly round, plasticky firm and nipple-free was ingrained early in our little girl minds.

thus, for women, there are some universal tit rules (most of which, ironically, are completely counter to what boys want): they must be constrained. they must not jiggle or flop about. they must be adequately concealed and/or revealed. they must have appropriately sized nipples (no kate winslets) and yet, when clothed, appear to have none.

this never works out. nipples are not to be trusted.

perhaps the greatest titular challenge is that there are several varieties. there are everyday boobs and evening boobs. and at home and at work and out-and-about boobs. and there are boyfriend boobs and there are family boobs. all of which require containment. this is why women think in terms of outfits. we have a whole world of underthings with which to contend.

once upon a time, back in my kirsten dunst/sophomore year of college rebellion phase, i stopped wearing bras. i would go to 18th century novel boobs unloosed and blithely assume i was pulling one over on the entire class. looking back, with my latter-day knowledge of men's general awareness of anything having to do with ladies' parts, i'm pretty sure i pulled nothing over anyone.

croftie once told me her husband (and i'm going to leave him a veil of privacy here, as though we don't all know who he is) encouraged her to rock the black bra/white tank combo. as she said this, we looked at one another with big, knowing eyes, both of us aware that if ever there was a time for that, that time has probably passed.

these days, we're all about sensible things like lift and fit. we've seen where kirsten dunst's boobs wound up. we know better now.

but this doesn't mean we're not up for adventure. i recently had need of the boyfriend/family boobs. the trickiest of tits. of course, i immediately took my conundrum to lindear, Breast Petaler Extraordinaire, and we hatched a plan that resulted in my purchase of the NuBra (as seen on tv!).

the NuBra. the name implies technological advancement, one giant leap for bra kind. imagine bra cups filled with super glue. perhaps this is advancement in some inventorman's mind, but if this is the future, ladies, heaven help us all.

i was skeptical of the NuBra because a) the NuBra came with a commemorative refridgerator magnet and b) the very front cover of the NuBra box warned me in not-to-be-missed bright red courier new not to trust "inferior chinese products that may result in permanent injury."

what, dare i ask, might these permanent injuries be? infertility? breast cancer? nipple rippage? i can attest that the bandaid effect of the legitimate NuBra is breath-taking enough. imagine the horrors in store with inferior chinese adhesives.

so this is the future. this is progress. and maybe someday our evening boobs and at home and at work and out-and-about boobs and boyfriend boobs and family boobs will all be coddled in paste-filled cups that, biting our lips so we don't scream bloody murder, we peel off at the end of every day.

the sad thing is that this almost does seem like an advancement. this new-found freedom to wear a certain dress with the discomfort merely a coda to the evening rather than endured throughout.

for junior prom, my mum went to the upton's at cool springs and bought me a bra. this was back before i had breasts. actually, i'm pretty sure this was the bra that gave me breasts. it was white and backless and strapless and featured so much boning it could stand upright on its own. it required such an intake of breath and was so complicated that my mother had to help me into and out of it, like she did with my pink polka dotted cross-backed swimsuit when i was four.

this bra made me feel grown-up. like i was more of a woman because i was completely contained and could only take shallow breaths. i wore it to every formal event for the next ten years and eventually it turned a dingy gray and the satin frayed around the pair of tiny hooks that held the whole thing perilously together and it crumpled apart like wet paper, but in those ten years, every morning after when i awoke, the indentions from that bra lingered like sheetprints on my skin.

two truths. bras are of the devil. and nipples cannot be trusted.

12 comments:

Meggie said...

1) For max nipple coverage, try VS's IPEX bra or just their Body Secret (or something like that). Those are good

2) I had the same backless strapless bra.

3) The NuBra is fantastic. I own two.

Linda said...

:makes mental note to warn oline later about pregnant boobs:

and, nice headlights.

Les Savy Ferd said...

hey! that was just the once! And it was a long time ago! I'm classier now. (right?)

Lara Ehrlich said...

Hehe. At last, the boob post!

Les Savy Ferd said...

tempted to google image search 'kate winslet nipples' but geez, even typing that feels NSFW.

oline said...

kate winslet's nipples are monumental. she has the dolly parton's boobs of nipples.

Les Savy Ferd said...

so what you're saying is her boobs have boobs of their own?

Linda said...

why am I so intrigued by this? and how does oline know about Kate's nipples?

oline said...

clearly someonep's never seen a kate winslet movie since her nipples have played a starring role in all of them.

Linda said...

Y'know, they WERE in Titanic, weren't they? You made me realize that I haven't seen many Kate movies... the only other one I can think of is Finding Neverland, and I hope to GOODNESS she covered them up then!

Linda said...

btw, will there be a Eunice post soon? A Kennedy is in the news.. surely oline has a Thought!

BPremo said...

Hi there! I just linked over from a nice comment you made on my blog a while back.

I think your blog is lovely (especially the header!) and this post is hilarious!