05 August 2009

5 nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m.

there's a new big bad in town. apparently a whole gaggle of them who run about at 3 in the morning punching drunk guys in the face and stealing their cell phones. this started a few days ago, but it was only this morning that the newscasters took to the street corners in earnest, setting up their cameras for the 5:30 broadcast so that as i biked by, i caught a wisp of a report in which my neighborhood was pronounced "a sporadic volcano of deadly violence." yeah, that's what every girl wants to hear. that she's set up house in the foothills of pompeii.


Les Savy Ferd said...

"sporadic volcano of deadly violence."

some things.

a) 'sporadic volcano'? aren't all volcanoes sporadic? If not we'd be swimming in magma and breathing ash every day.

b) 'deadly violence.' please correct me if I'm wrong, but nobody has died from these hooligans, right?

c) wouldn't the violence from something like a volcano be pretty much assumed deadly to begin with? "Oh, half a mountain side just blew up, but I'm sure the houses that used to be there are OK. unless this is one of them volcano of deadly violence. those things suck."

d) doesn't 'sporadic' weaken an already over the top statement? It's like the reporter knows s/he's employing hyperbole and wants to couch it in a weak modifier.

e) I know I often come under the grip of cellphone envy and want to beat the shit out of random passersby for that sweet sweet blackberry goodness. And they are singling out drunk frat guys? what's the problem here again? (I jest, the sporadic volcano of deadly violence is wrong kids, just for the record.

oline said...

i have found it very very hard to really care about this story because- and this is my judgmental part coming out- i can only assume the people who wander around my neighborhood drunk at 3 a.m. are total douches. that doesn't mean they deserve to be punched in the face, but really.

Les Savy Ferd said...

sometimes I manage to stay up past midnight. that's right, I'm wild AND crazy.

Lara Ehrlich said...

And by the way, FABULOUS Buffy reference :-)

oline said...

that was all for you. and, in follow-up, i have to say, this blurb from that tribune article on birthday sex is quite possibly the most astute analysis of the decade:

"Lincoln Parkers pay some of the highest real estate taxes in the city. Getting punched in the face by jeering marauders isn't part of the neighborhood's official charm."