22 April 2009

14 greetings

the month in which 79% of the people i know were born is upon us. in preparation, i've begun habituating the hallmark aisle of walgreens, trying to stock up. and in the course of my habitutating (word of the day), i have realized this: greeting cards are woefully inadequate.

the month (actually, it's more like a 42-day stretch) in which 79% of the people i know were born officially kicks off this thursday with the birthday of my high school gay ex-boyfriend. there is no greeting card for that.

every card is wrong. the ones with the half naked guys. the ones poking fun of wrinkles. they all seem so mean. we feel old already. a reminder would be unwelcome.

and, really, how many times can you buy a HAPPY 100th card and scribble "now don't you feel young?" on the inside?

it's at this point that i tend to lose focus and, because the birthday rack is (ironically? unfortunately?) close to the "special situations" rack, i inevitably gravitate there.

because these cards are fascinating. these cards that say, i may have done something shitty to you and i feel bad about that but i do not know how to express that emotion on my own or outside an appropriately rugged context so i have bought a card to show i thought enough of you to pay $2.99 to have someone else say i care.

there is a card for everything. for breaking-up to getting back together to sex on the first date. which begs the question, if a guy gives you a greeting card after sex on the first date, will there even be a 2nd?

14 comments:

Les Savy Ferd said...

technically speaking I have existed in some form or another for all of eternity, my human birth in early June being merely incidental.

oline said...

so you don't define yourself by the fact that you were born in a 42-day stretch in which 79% of the people i know were born? my world view is now shattered.

Les Savy Ferd said...

coincidentally, this old man was born in 79. of the 79% how many can say that?

oline said...

thanks, pirate. i will now have "this old man" stuck in my head for the remainder of the afternoon.

Meggie said...

I'm a May birthday! LOL.

And 2nd greeting card or second fuck?

oline said...

yep. #10 out of 17.

think there's a reason i'm drawn to people whose parents had sex in the fall?

Osutein said...

I'd like to remind you that my "MAPH birthday" has come and gone (along with, long ago, my actual birthday) and I would love nothing more than a "thanks for letting me bone you on the first date" Hallmark card. I assume it has an appropriate Bible verse etched in cursive gold letters against a sunset that manages, despite being a natural phenomenon, to be completely kitschy.

oline said...

would it be crass to bogart queen e's birthday bowl as the Official Thank God Our Sensei Was Born Many Many Months Before We Got Around To Celebrating It Eztravaganza of 2008?

oline said...

and yes, it would be an eztravaganza. we would take it to the z.

Linda said...

i have my child in october to lower your percentage!

Les Savy Ferd said...

maybe it has something to do with the academic/schoolteacher/student in all of us. i.e. there's the long (wet) hot American Summer and then Autumn arrives and all us nerdlingers congregate like the swallows of Capistrano. And even the least socially schmoove among us have to get lucky sometime.

Oh, and I'll tell Croftie to get cracking this September so we can up your percentage come May '10

oline said...

yeah, good luck with that. i think last friday's discussion of the mucus plug effectively halted any threat of croft spawnage.

Les Savy Ferd said...

she was horrified and in the interest of populating the world with a wonderfully bizarre (and adorably nerdy) band of crofts in the future, i've told her not to discuss that kind of thing with her anymore.

oline said...

why did it never occur to me that of course, of course your children would have to form the Croft Family Band.