13 July 2008

13 oh, girl

we don't talk about this much. because it's kind of awkward and there are boys here.

but seriously. hormones. ouch.

there are these mornings. not too often, but still, mornings. where my eyes have barely begun to think about opening before my brain has lept into a giant heap of neurotic dung.

it goes like this:

[oline, lying in bed, eyes closed, furrowed brow]: i will never kick this diet coke habit and my grocery bill will always exceed $125 a month so i will never be able to live on my income or pay off my student loans and will instead creep further into a hole of university of chicago debt in $73 increments and the crofts'll move to maine and oil will rise to $800 a barrel and then airfares will go up and then i'll never make it to north carolina ever again and i'll be stuck here the same as always, alone and going nowhere, pining away, trapped in borderline abusive administrative positions that sap my will to live and do not pay accordingly and i'll never be able to read all the books i want even if i live to be 112 because if i do live to be 112 my eyesight will probably fail around 71 and if i'm lucky i'll be subjected to 41 years of books on tape (dear, god! not books on tape!) but i'll probably be deaf long before then so i'll just have 40 years of sitting around twiddling my thumbs and laughing at quotes my friends- who'll all be dead by then- uttered 50 years before and the vieve will die of some highly preventable disease at an impossibly early age because i never take her to the vet like a good catmother would and i'll spend the whole rest of my life- all 100+ years of it- thinking "dear god, why didn't i just take her to the vet?!?!" (though frankpank says you don't have to and i trust frankpank) and my parents will die, having never read jackiebook, and i'll wind up all alone- with no friends or family and a boyfriend whom i can't get to because the bush family sucks- living in a hovel with 4 million rolls of toilet paper and a taxidermied vieve because i'm an evil bitch who never wanted any brothers or sisters because i liked being the only one.

skirts, eyeliner, sexy lingerie, and multiple orgasms do not make up for these mornings.

oreos and tabloids, however, almost do.

13 comments:

Clark MF Price said...

Ahem!
Men wear eyeliner too. It is called "Guyliner" and it looks best when you are super skinny wearing girl pants and tight black shirts. Even Old Fogey Bret Michaels is wearing "Guyliner"...but not the girl pants.

s.h.e. said...

dear caro,

breathe!! all will be well. in an effort to help prevent such travesties from happening, you can do the following few things to get a head start:

- once the vieve has passed (because you listened to the wrong side of the versatile frankpank, and didn't take her to the vet!), take her to the taxidermist. she'll be able to live forever, in the same position. awkwardly. forever...
- go ahead and start to learn braille, because if you go deaf and blind, you'll at least have the ability to finally FEEL what you read. that has to better than underlining it. i'm sure mrs. reynolds would've agreed, had the majority been blind.
-write more of these freak out moments when you have them. for some reason, they seem very cathartic for you; i like how you close them up in the end. isn't emoting on a keyboard fun? (upon second thought, that sounds kinda gross.)

s.h.e. said...

i take back the comment about taxidermy-ing the vieve... you'd covered that part already. again, stupid steven. me so dumb.

Meggie said...

1) If you taxidermy vieve, make sure you get the voice box put in her so everytime you pet her/walk by her, she meows.

2) Before 9 a.m. this morning, I had already had about 10 Reese's Cups. Sometimes chocolate is the cure all.

Linda said...

can't help you with the kitty cat conundrum. but would be happy to be nagda about finances if you ever need a coach/cheerleader. wasn't raised cheap and dutch for nothing!

oline said...

but lindear, darling, do you have the wooden shoes?

Linda said...

there may or may not be photos in the parentdear house somewhere of a small chubby lindear in a little dutch girl outfit. with the wooden shoes. at a tulip festival.

oline said...

please please please dutchsuit up next saturday. i'll provide the tulips.

taramoon333 said...

wow. So how come all of your friends will be dead, but eflirt will not? That's unfair. Besides only the good die young, so you'll always have me, and frankpank. And Lexie.

oline said...

i'm so glad you're coming back.

Les Savy Ferd said...

i like how the one exclamation point'd sentence in the whole piece has to do with books on tape (not books on tape!)

however, not to worry, in the future, my fiancee tells me that bookstores will be show-rooms where you can't actually purchase physical books, but have to go to the register and have them downloaded into your kindle if you want to read them.

I shuddered and said 'no, no, no' under my breath, first my lovely art encrusted jewel-cased cds and now my books! is there any pop cultural artifact that is safe from capitalism/technology's clammy dead hands?

and of course thats just a small step away from having the damn stories downloaded directly into your bean, and the next thing you know we'll all be Keanu Reevesing it as Neo in the matrix (whoa! I know Kung-fu!) and acquiring any skills/information we need instantaneously such as how to ride a bike, make the worlds best cupcake, taxidermize a cat, achieve multiple orgasms, make an origami crane, develop 'cute' personality quirks like ADD or OCD, play the guitar like your favorite rock musician or fall down the stairs without injuring yourself.

i call dibs on the last one.

oline said...

hmmm... multiple orgrasms or making an origami crane. i guess that would be a tough decision for the bird-loving arts and crafters among us.

Dananator said...

Who knows - maybe the two skills are related. It may not be an either/or situation.