07 January 2008

21 method acting

(this is not entirely true)

i am twelve. yes, i have a slightly better understanding of sex, am more well read, have infinitely better hair, a less mercurial temperament, vastly improved writing skills, and a fashion sense. i now know tapered leg jeans are not the way. but, basically, i am still twelve.

much to the consternation of my parents. every trip home features a "big girl shopping trip," during which they fork over money for practical things like belted jumpers and pantsuits and blazers. things, featuring a maximum of one color, that would be more at home in the closet of margaret thatcher. beige things that i will never in a million years wear. because i am technicolor. and i am not a big girl.

at least i don't feel like one. but i get the sense i'm probably supposed to be by now. or at least getting closer. because it's coming whether my 12-year-old self likes it or not- this whole adulthood thing.

some many many moons ago, when we were all a whole year younger, the dread pirate mused upon the fact that "we're all adults here." it was scarifying then and it's only moderately less scarifying now. so my question is this: are we really? is this adulthood?

i work and pay bills and have loans and do my own laundry and can stay out till morning drinking belgian beer if i so choose. tonight, i chose to stay in and read about consuelo vanderbilt and listen to "gimme more" on repeat for hours and hours. how terribly responsible and independent.

but somehow that's not what i thought adulthood would be. bills and beer. where is the glamor? what of the velvet? (this is why impressionable young girls should never read dumas.)

then there i was, innocently doing my laundry when N blew in. she moved in a cloud of chanel no. 5, her lips a slash of matte red, her hair curled and teased and shellacked within an inch of its life, stilettos cracking like gunshots against the unfinished concrete floor as the door slammed behind her. she looked like a pissed-off model from the september 1952 vogue. she looked, in a word, adult.

there, in her wake, i stood- jeans rolled up mid-calf in an homage to my mississippi roots and a black bra highly visible under a shirt proclaiming the sexiness of a.c. slater- giggling. because i am twelve. and that's probably for the best.

21 comments:

Linda said...

I heart you.

Meggie said...

Complete side note ('cause what am I if not random), but what was the name of our 6th grade math teacher? It was driving Mom and I nuts.

Oh, so you knew Mrs. Pavlick got fired for having an affair with Mr. Adams but did you know Ms. what's her name (9th grade math teacher) also got fired?

oline said...

mrs. d'eramo. sister of mrs. watson. and it breaks my heart that you don't remember the name of the teacher in whose classroom we met.

wait- mrs. pavlick and mr. adams?? i knew about mr. flem and mrs. dugger, but mrs. pavlick and mr. adams? did everyone at that school sleep with everyone else?

Linda said...

Mrs. D'Eramo always wore dangly pearl earrings. I envied her Fashions at the time.

So when did the Pavlick and Adams affair happen? Not when we were there, I hope. Eww...

When I worked at Ham 'N Goodys, Mr. Adams came in with another lady teacher from a different middle school.

This is turning into something like Grease!

Les Savy Ferd said...

actually, bills and beer go very well together, when the bills in question are the horribly inept professional football team--the alcohol helps blunt the pain. the other kind of bills and beer gets a wee bit trickier, you just have to make sure you sent the correct amount of money to this and that.

By the way, "people's gas" is the worst name of an energy company ever. not only do you get the pseudo communistic undertones but couple that with the latent flatulence and you have arecipe for the giggles.

Yes, it appears I too am a 12 year old.

Also, happy Elvis's Birthday!

Meggie said...

Mr. Adams and Mrs. Pavlick was happening while we were there--y'all remember the DC trip?

oline said...

meggie darling, i think you're confusing mr. flem and mrs. dugger with mrs. pav and mr. adams, who weren't even on the dc trip.

dougo, people's gas? seriously?

lindear, i was just thinking about mrs. d'eramo's fashions this morning. totally cutting edge.

and i knew there was a reason i felt the compulsion to blast elvis songs all the way to work.

Meggie said...

Mrs. Pavlick and Mr. Adams were on the DC trip and I have that outrageously long picture to prove it. And I actually know this because of Mama who is in on all the school district gossip. Hence why I also know that our 9th grade math teacher was also fired (the year we had her--don't you remember that she mysteriously disappeared that last week?).

oline said...

we had different 9th grade math teachers, right? i had ms. boyd (who looked like a man) and who we knew didn't get tenure.

so there were two love triangles on our dc trip? adams/pav and dugger/flem? all i remember was miss barrentine always making small talk with me and me kind of wanting her to go away.

Linda said...

and to think, I spent all that time pining after Will Pearson that trip! What real-life drama I had missed!

oline said...

ah yes, will peterson. think i was crushless on that trip- but lee hall more than made up for it in 9th grade.

Linda said...

okay, so meggie, back to your aforementioned dc trip reference, what exactly happened on the dc trip? is that when they got together? when they were found out? do tell!

and oline, a terrible pity that your beautiful post, which I love and want many more of in fem lit novella form, was overshadowed by pav/adams. thank heavens you have a pirate to attempt to put us back on track. Too bad trash gossip always prevails.

oline said...

lindear just told me this: "My world will be completely altered if i find out that 2/3 of my 6th grade education team were sleeping together!" and i have to wholeheartedly agree. what was going on at good old page middle?! meggie, you must dish.

and i, champion of any and all bad trash gossip, would never ever complain about it's prevailing.

Clark MF Price said...

I NEED THAT SHIRT!!

Les Savy Ferd said...

off topic (with me? shocker!) but i just had verbalized battle with my own conscience in which i lost and forced by myself to have another delicious piece of chocolate from the box not 2 feet from my desk. Picture a very busy cluttered workspace with people milling about, clamoring for something or something else and I just sit up straight and announce "Oh alright, I'll have another damn piece of chocolate if that's how you're gonna be!"

I received not a few bemused looks of "well, we knew he'd snap sooner or later" from people who don't no me very well and a couple looming eye-rolls of familiarity from those who do.

oline said...

that shirt (and the fainting couch of my dreams) are the only good things to have come out of urban outfitters (not that i'm a judgemental elitist or anything).

dougeri, looming eye rolls? gross. (in similar off topicness) your lady and i've decided it's about time to celebrate sensei's (november) birthday with our annual (january) outing. prepare yourself to make plans. maybe we'll get him out by april.

(clearly my caffeine cutback plan has failed.)

Meggie said...

YOUR BLOG ATE MY COMMENT!!!

Ok, I think the DC trip was the beginning of the demise of Pav/Adams union because I think that was when everyone really started to realize what was going on.

Boyd (albino mullet woman) was both of our math teachers--same team Caro. Remember that we all had English together and I know I had Science with Psycho Bitch and Partner. Boyd was fired for (I think) incompetence and also just being mean to students.

oline said...

i love how you say that like it's my kid and i can just reprimand the thing and make it act better.

Meggie said...

You can't?

oline said...

really, i can't.

Les Savy Ferd said...

really?