31 October 2007

0 october: a revue

(in no particular order & uttered by various citizens of the Oline in the City world)

"it's 10:03. that's nice."
"WHAT?! your dream was naughty last night???"

"nothing says love like a fresh place to use the bathroom."

"oh yep! that's a boobie!"

"if you ask me, healthy living is overrated."
"yeah, i do wonder if i'll sit back at the age of 92, weighing all of 90 lbs, and lament the lack of fritos in my youth."

"and big business is bad? looks like someone needs to watch the target dollar movie again!"

"i cannot believe that we will be together soon, hanging out, eating, movie watching, not making out.... just like old times."

"who goes to the library to look at vodka websites?"

"they're full of all these vitamins and good things like spirillina."
"what is spirallina?"
"i think it's green stuff that tastes bad and makes everything stink. so yeah, yummy."

"it's no fun being skinny if your clothes make you look like a hobo."

"yeah, i'm over true love. i've moved on."

"she is like satan, but worse."

"do i look like i'm from the promised land? i do, don't i? you can tell me."

"you know things, oline. you've been around. you've worked here what... 2 years... 3 years?"

"my brother's going to die because this is the sluttiest thing i've ever worn."
"is it slutty slutty or cougar slutty?"
"no. no. it's more porn star slutty."
"well, that's the classiest kind of slutty."

"i saw a whore referee at kroger over the weekend, and i thought of you. well, not you as a whore, but y'know..."

"everything was fine but there was a scary moment where i really didn't know which was more important-- my eyeball or my half-dyed hair."

29 October 2007

14 i just had The Best Vacation Ever! how was your weekend, person i barely know?

"awful. i was just so depressed. i know i got loads of shit done but i really don't remember anything we did yesterday because the clouds of darkness descended."

so here's my next question: how the hell does one respond to that?

25 October 2007

5 a hmm hmm is good to find (ver. 3.0)

a year ago, KBG and i made a vow. we promised that we would see each other on or around our birthdays for every year to come. we're only a year into it, but this has already proven to be the wisest thing we've ever done.

it's wise because there are people you need to know you're going to see. people who reset you and balance you and make you laugh the really HUGE laughs. people who feel like home base. KBG is one of my people. if meggie's my longest-running romantic relationship, then KBG is my absolute favorite ex.

so we're making a 42-hour blitz through washington DC to celebrate the week before the week of her birthday.

i rather like making plans. given that my job actually involves making plans for other people's travel, i really rather like making travel plans. KBG knows this and she let me have at it.

so today i derived inordinate delight in the painstaking construction of our itinerary- inserting maps into tables and confirming addresses and phone numbers and metro fares and train schedules. trying to make it absolutely as easy as possible for KBG to find me in a random airport 5.32 miles from our random hostel in the middle of downtown DC on a random street named after a random state. two pages were devoted to the two hours in which this would be taking place on friday night.

and what happens after that? after KBG finds a parking space and the hotel and the dupont circle stop and catches the red line and transfers to the yellow line and rides the 6 stops to DCA and meets up with me- what happens then? what's the adventure? i have no idea. and, really, i wouldn't have it any other way.

23 October 2007

11 wie treu sind deine blätter!

i made excuses last year. this year i'll make none.

because it should be a truth universally acknowledged that twenty-something girls living alone in big cities in smallish apartments with even smaller cats must be in want of christmas trees.

16 October 2007

0 the lesson we learned today

the kalahari resort-- completely, ridiculously, inappropriately located not in the wilds of africa but in wisconsin-- has the most obnoxious hold music ever. nothing says "i am not being served" like sub-saharan drums.

13 October 2007

6 steven's first, second & last nights in town

(ie. when photo-happy friends with a predeliction
for strange face-making collide)


"it's a 'hit chicago weekend.'"

"the poems."
"the poems?"
"yes, the poems."







"what is this?"
"that? that is chiagoween."

"how did mary tyler moore ever do this?
it's much harder than it looks."


"so i was talking to this girl from greenpeace..."

"start drinking purple."

"how long did you talk to greenpeacegirl?"
"well then i kind of sort of gave her my phone number and my email."
"this is why you never talk to people on the street.
you wind up having relationships with them.
you have to just smile and walk away."

"remember that brownie?"
"that was a really good brownie."

"why did we never before think to hang out in and make fun of
titles in the harlequin romance section?"

"are you ever going to stop coughing?"
"AHEM... probably no."

"sir, there's no picture-taking in here.
please delete all those pictures you have taken."
"they weren't even very cute."

"that picture would be so much better with both of you in it."
"honey, just remember greenpeacegirl and walk away."

"so then greenpeacegirl said..."

"we'd like two apple pies."
"sir, we don't sell apple pies here."
"this is the face of broken dreams."

"nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m."

"sir, can i take a picture of the president on sale?"
"for you, dear, i'll even recreate his marking down."

"this is that store where they had those red boots.
you know, the ones i wanted 4 years ago and didn't buy
and have regretted every since... and there they are."

"so then greenpeacegirl said, 'of course,
your personal information will be secure.
it'll be right here in my fanny pack.'"





"did i mention that i saw greenpeacegirl again later on that day?"

"ironic that they're making a point about insufficient funds
by funneling money into a campaign involving
hundreds of thousands of glossy professionally printed posters."



12 October 2007

13 dear al,

please, please, for the love of God- stop playing hard to get.
xo,
oline.

10 October 2007

4 jfk as cardboard cutout

wayne koestenbaum and i go way way back. he is my biggest literary crush. at the age of 14, his book (jackie under my skin: interpreting an icon, penguin group: new york, 1995) changed my life. there is no way anything i write would be worth reading had i never read his book. if i were trapped on an island for twelve dozen years, this is the book i would miss most. all that to say, i love wayne koestenbaum.

koestenbaum is full of fanciful jackie theories: jackie as a fictional character, jackie and the apocalypse, jackie and repetition, jackie and synesthesia, jackie and duration, jackie as a dandy, etc., etc.

in the midst of these awesome arguments emerges one thought i've never really bought into. the idea that jackie is a dynamic, eccentric figure, while jfk is a constant. jfk is always jfk. we know he died and that jackie lives on and, according to koestenbaum, that makes every photograph of the pair of them together appear unnatural-- as though jackie were standing alongside a cardboard cut-out of jfk.

i never gave this much thought until i saw this month's vanity fair. seriously.

06 October 2007

0 rats & the city, pt. 2: TERROR!


this morning, walking through the alley by my building to the alley that leads to the alley that leads to the street, i saw The Most Grotesque Thing Ever.

there's been this smell in this alley for about a week. i'd blamed it on the ground beef container that had been festering on the ground. somehow the unlikelihood of such a putrid smell emanating from something as environmentally lethal and yet fragrantly benign as styrofoam did not occur to me. today, i realized the error of my thinking.

because today, at approximately 9 a.m., i saw that this stench was, in fact, emanating from the rat that was rotting in a corner a few feet from the styrofoam. but this wasn't just any old dead rat. this was the black dahlia of rats. his teeth bared in a macabre grin, his skull bashed in, his bloodied legs splayed apart, and his guts- long since gnawed open- a veritable dance party of writhing worms and mites. the rat who- in its violent disembowelment and oh so public lying-in-state- was, without a doubt, The Most Grotesque Thing Ever.

i've spent the entire day trying to forget this image to no avail. i took a nap and awoke in a peaceful state of bliss that was promptly punctured with visions of gutted rodents. i thought recounting it might be cathartic so i regaled S with the story. he laughed. no, no, i said. you don't get it. this is not funny. this is GROSS! my protestations did little to stop the laughter.

so i've realized here that the terrorists have it all wrong. screw china and the dixie chicks and airplanes. if they really wanted to psychologically scar this nation- strategically placed, eviscerated, worm-infested rats are the way to go.

05 October 2007

4 the day can pretty much be summed up with two words:

purple bra.

today i wore a purple bra. unforunately, everyone who encountered me knows this because, as so often happens, the outfit that looked chaste and demur in the subtly romantic lighting of my own home, looked ridiculously slutastic in the harsh workplace glare.

thus, i sat through an intimate, important two-hour meeting with my boss in highly visible undergarments. good career move or no?

03 October 2007

10 there are 3 reasons why this letter scares me



1) it took 37 days to land in a mailbox 12.62 miles away.

2) "we are enjoying the rare green glory of hyde park in august."

3) i may be many things, but i am not the university of chicago's dear.