25 August 2007

4 friend & foe

in the category of random intense things written awhile ago...

there are these people who don't have friends (please note: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!). maybe it's not that they don't have friends so much as they don't know how to have friends.

i once got stupidly entangled with one of these people and i was struggling the other day to articulate this to S. to explain the logic behind the voicemail from the bar at 4.30 on a friday afternoon and the statement "i can't be held accountable for what i do." i've concluded this is maybe the essence of this entire echelon of people- the core of truth you have to discern if you're ever to understand why they are the way they are, why they get drunk and throw things and curse pirates and hate cats. they are this way because they don't know how to have friends.

which is a pretty screwy way to be. because how can you not know how to have friends? pooh had piglet. mary had rhoda. even hitler had august kubizek.

i've driven some people away in my day. in 10th grade biology there was a girl i froze out for no other reason than that she traced over my frog drawing instead of doing her own. at the time, this was a cardinal sin. in hindsight, i was needlessly cruel. but there came this point where suddenly friends really mattered. like they REALLY mattered. and i think this creates a weird schism. like after high school when most everybody went to college and those two random loners went to locksmithing school instead. most people go the friend way but a few renegades don't. my question is this: how the hell are we supposed to communicate with those people?

and i think the answer is that maybe we can't. because they don't believe. and really, it all comes down to belief. people wander away and you have to believe they're going to come back. they tell you secrets and believe you're going to keep them. you hurt them and believe they're going to forgive. they fall apart and believe you're going to catch the pieces. you fall off the earth and they believe you'll resurface.

my absolute dearest friendships have been through whole worlds of shit. partner and i had epochs of tension. libby and i had spats and silence. i was downright vile to miss beautiful gold. during our 8 year break, poor S carried about an entire trunk whose contents were testament to the poetic sadistic bitch i can be.

and yet, these are my dear people. i don't begin to know who i would be without them because through the up and down, these are the people who are there. they are the level ground.

"i can't be held accountable for what i do." that's what he said and that is what stuck with me. i am allegedly the only friend of this particular person who doesn't know how to have friends, which is an ironic, awful burden given that we haven't been friends for years. but he doesn't know that. he can't see that he doesn't know how to have friends. so he's just another voice in a bar at 4:30 on a friday afternoon. just another stupid boy who cannot be held accountable for what he does.

4 comments:

Les Savy Ferd said...

my two best friends in college, shit, two of my best friends of all time, have been locked out of my life for various reasons, by myself and by them, for obscene amounts of time. Why did we do this to each other? I have no easy answers for that but I do know that one of the reasons why things got so bad was because we were all so right for each other.

Friend 'A' of the two once delivered an epic speech to me in the sub-basement of one of the buildings on campus saying how mad he'd been for the past 3 months and that he was so frustrated because he couldn't go to anyone with his problems because, quote, "everyone likes you, Doug, so much that they would never believe you had been treating me like an asshole." which was true on both accounts.

friendships are weird. If they were not I don't think i would want many. and I wouldn't be good at them to say the least.

much love, Oline! who knows, maybe we'll even hang out sometime.

oline said...

it's unfortunate that friendship often gets shafted for romantic relationships in the larger scheme of things- when really both are equally difficult. when you're all right for someone it takes a whole world of work to stick together but i think there's this pervasive belief that love's the tough thing and friendships should be simple. which is, of course, all kinds of wrong.

much love, dougO! and i swear, after labor dabor, we need to grab the croft and have us some wait until dark. nothing says friendship like shared screams.

kjd said...

I, at this very moment, am dealing eith the loss of a college friend. We live minutes away from one another but never "get together", never go for coffee, never talk. It has left me with a great sadness, and a great hope- hope that she will one day resurface.

Love you and miss you my dear caro. I do wish you were here to sit and chat. You are my pooh.

oline said...

oh kj, how i miss you every single stupid day. i know we're where we're supposed to be but there are days where i would willingly relinquish my much-improved hair to be 17 again racing through kroger with you and the stolen balloons.