01 August 2007

4 the falling out

people, it's hot out there. opening the door of a car that's been sitting in the parking lot of a memphis strip mall the whole july day long HOT.

to combat this, one must be innovative. and to keep oneself from dying of heatstroke on the walk in, one must occasionally wear clothes that may not be entirely appropriate for work. that is what this one did today.

this silly girl in this freakishly hot city wore a sundress. a yellow billowy sundress with an empire cut and no waist to speak of. one of those convertable contraptions that can be a strappy or strapless dress. i have definitively concluded that this is the stupidest clothing concept in history. these dresses are the bisexuals of the apparel world. pick a side. straps or no? you can't have it both ways.

but it's hot out there and opening the door of a car that's been sitting in a memphis strip mall parking lot the whole july day long heat drives a girl to do desperate things.

like wearing a convertable sundress whose straps have a reputation for unanticipated liberation and that's a step or two over the line of risque so that the front slit must be safety pinned together to create the illusion of modesty. this seemed like a good idea. much as wearing rubberbands as kneesock garters has seemed like a good idea in the past. invariably, these good ideas suck.

so it was that i found myself spending the entire day exploding out of my clothes sending straps and safety pins flying about and racing to the bathroom to reassemble myself. so it was that i stood in a crowded elevator-- site of all great human dramas-- my skirt billowing open in an inexplicable elevator breeze to reveal ungodly amounts of inner thigh at precisely the second that my right strap burst undone with a loud snap that echoed in the cavernous silence, reminiscent of a slap bracelet smacking the skin.

i was standing there wishing i could take it all off and walk home in my underwear when the woman beside me said, ohmygod, those are the cutest shoes evah!!! and i remembered what i'd forgotten all day long. the leopard print shoes. though i'd been plagued by wardrobe malfunctions and strap explosions and skirt revelations, of course no one else had noticed. because the leopard print shoes are magic. the leopard print shoes make me appear gloriously pulled-together- even (especially) when my dress is falling down.


Linda said...

Thank HEAVENS for those shoes. Wisest purchase you've ever made! we all need "get away with a bad outfit" shoes! exclamation point!

oline said...

I KNOW! how i love it when an impulse buy pays off.

Les Savy Ferd said...

i fail to see how a woman's outfit that is prone to billowing up and strap explosions is a bad outfit...

oline said...

maybe not for the boys, but for the woman in question it's a tiny little hell.