25 February 2007

19 v-fed


today, bombsy dropped a bombshell. as we cooed over the vieve, discussing her odd physique, bombsy said: i think maybe she's had kittens. for a moment, i stood aghast at the prospect of feline immaculate conception before realizing bombsy was referring to a time in the vieve's distant past.

the vieve's distant past is a hazy, ambiguous thing. she fell into my family from the vet's office with the same generic she's two to three years old and came from a very loving home that could no longer keep her story as the last cat that fell into my family from the vet's office.

because her haughtiness had to come from somewhere, i always pictured the vieve's distant past as very posh. i imagined her living with an ian mckellan type who wore three piece suits and loafers. due to some horrid reversal of fortune, he could no longer afford the vieve's whiskas and was forced to surrender her from his very loving home.

somehow it never occurred to me that the vieve's distant past might be a dark and sinister thing involving random copulation and infant abandonment. that she might be (gasp! horror!) somebody's baby mama. overnight, my beloved vieve has been revealed as a deadbeat mother. oh the shame.

the beloved vieve seems completely unaffected by these scandalous revelations. if anything, she has been liberated from the secrecy and lies and is living it up as an emancipated woman- lazing about in the unmade bed with her legs akimbo, hitting the catnip with renewed vigor and dance partying with shocking abandon. so this is how lynne spears feels...

19 comments:

Meggie said...

So, we've done the whole "Will Beef date a Mormon?" and the answer was a resounding NO. So, now the new question is "Will Beef date an atheist?"

I get a feeling the answer is no and Mike is behind me going, "So intolerant, so prejudice". I'll smack him for you.

oline said...

dearest feeb,
a pretty big, huge resounding NO. and it's not intolerance or prejudice, but an awareness of certain criteria that would rather doom things if they weren't met. smack away!

Meggie said...

Dearest Beef,
Mike was behind me reading the comment as I was writing going, "Oh no, I'm gonna get smacked. I'm gonna get smacked aren't I?". And my criteria was I wouldn't marry anybody who wasn't a United Methodist. And lookie, I'm marrying a United Methodist. So, yay for standards!

Les Savy Ferd said...

V-fed? a distinct possibility. Croftie and I have hypothesized many times that Pik may be a mama as well. She's just so wee, it appears she never grew up, and the surest thing to stunt a young kitty's growth is if all the nutrients are needed elsewhere, lets say some kittens.

Plus the Pik is all maternal all the time. even her head-butts are gentle as if nudging us, reminding us everything going to be okay with her watching over us. Pik's adopted us as her new kittens and isn't she the proud Mom.

oline said...

but pik is such a baby! it's like all our kitties were teen moms. when we were casting ESLA the movie, i didn't dream it would be an afterschool special.

Les Savy Ferd said...

in a way Vieve and Pik are the anti-Oline and Un-Crofto. They both led such scandalous lives while for the most part you and Croftie's youthful indiscretions were slightly tamer, at least not the kind that ended up spawning a host of oozing, whining, human larvae.

oline said...

there will be no talk of such grotesqueries here, pirate. and precisely what were croftO's youthful indiscretions? mine were limited to thievery.

Les Savy Ferd said...

a pirate with grotesquery is like a, er, um, Vieve without a haughty glower. like a barry without a pudgy gay saunter, like a phoebus without extra digits.

as far as the crofto's youtful indiscretions are concerned, she keeps mum, which makes me think them all the more scandalous.

oline said...

nipple ring guy is the only real substantiated evidence i've got, but i'm quite sure the croft was a wild child in an anne shirley way.

Les Savy Ferd said...

must. wikipedia. anne shirley.
bzzzzwiick! *internet surfing noise*

Les Savy Ferd said...

oh. its *that* anne. bleck. shudder. twitch-twitch. heeby-jeeby. kerfuffle.

oline said...

you know *that* anne. you've even watched her and i'm quite sure you're the culprit of croftie's missing VHS and that you've been secretly screening it obsessively at some random tv in the dark recesses (resessed? reeces?) of the co-op.

Les Savy Ferd said...

reeses are candies, silly. I don't work in a glorified M&M, thankyouverymuch. harrumph.

oline said...

even before i opened the email with that comment, i knew there would be a harrumph in there.

Les Savy Ferd said...

well, you see, a pirate without his harrumphs is like a... oh forget it.

oline said...

i'm on metaphorical tenterhooks about what that similie might've been...

Linda said...

all harumphs aside, it does make sense the the scandalous vieve would live with heidi fleiss. just a pair of cute hoe-bags living in a brightly colored apartment.

oline said...

i don't know what to make of your recent hoe-bag preoccupation, lindear.

Bombsy said...

did someone say phoebus without thumbs! agog!
jezebel was a mommy too. you can feel it in thier abdomen.