31 October 2006

26 long-forgotten fairytale

once there was a lovely girl. your standard, average, lovely girl. we're going to call her penelope. because that's such an every(wo)man kind of name.

as a child, penelope was a commedienne. she was the queen of faces. a student of the lucille ball school of comedic facial distortion. her parents always admonished, someday your face will freeze like that. penelope did not believe them.

as a child, penelope was rather high-strung. she bit her nails nonstop. the warnings of her grandmother rang in her ears: there are worms under there. do you want to put worms in your mouth? penelope did not want to put worms in her mouth, but she didn't want to give up the biting either.

the habit would persist into adulthood, when penelope would begin painting her nails garish colours in an effort to cease the barbarism. penelope's mother frowned at the black lacquer. she said, you don't want to get black stuff all in your teeth. penelope didn't relish that idea, but she didn't give up her nails.

penelope continued making faces and painting her nails and biting them. until one day.

on this day, penelope bit a black lacquered nail. sensing immediately that something had gone horridly wrong, penelope raced to the bathroom mirror. there it was. a rogue flake of nail polish on the number 9 central incisor. a simple thing to remedy, yes. but no.

this rogue flake of black nail polish had not been content to simply rest upon penelope's number 9 central incisor. rather, it sought refuge within the gum tissue above. so that it was visible through the tissue yet entirely unreachable.

penelope promptly brushed her teeth. the rogue flake of black nail polish nestled within the gum tissue above her number 9 central incisor did not budge. she flossed as though her life depended upon it. if anything the rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor situtated itself more comfortably. penelope brushed her teeth six subsequent times to no effect.

she threw herself on the bed in exhaustion and frustration. and then it hit her.

penelope would go through the rest of her life with a rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor. as long as she lived, people would think she had something stuck in her teeth.

at all future christmases, penelope's family would harken back to the days before that rogue flake of black nail polish became situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor. the family photo albums would now be divided into the era before the rogue flake of black nail polish became situated within the gum tissue above penelope's number 9 incisor and the era after. if penelope were so lucky to find a man who could love a woman with a rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor, the rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor would inevitably dominate her wedding pictures. every dental visit for the remainder of penelope's life would prompt a gasp of what is that rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above your number 9 incisor? when her husband stared deeply into her teeth rather than her eyes, penelope would know- the rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor was driving a wedge between them. the adolescence of her children would be marred by the rumors that their mother never brushed her teeth. and penelope had no doubt that her future husband would leave her for a woman who did not have a rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor.

all this because penelope was a lovely girl who did not care whether her face froze or whether she put worms in her mouth.

lying on the bed in exhaustion and frustration, with the rogue flake of black nail polish still situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor, penelope ruminated upon this tragic turn her life had taken. she instinctively went to her nails for solace, then detoured and grabbed the bag of fritos instead. she wiped her tears and bravely returned to the bathroom mirror to make peace with the rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor. but the rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above her number 9 incisor was no longer there.

penelope pulled a face and put the worms in her mouth.

26 comments:

nick said...

we now have to look for a publisher to publish the children's book entitled that rogue flake of black nail polish situated within the gum tissue above penelope's number 9 incisor.

as for penelo(line)pe being "standard & average." ummmm..... no. lovely. bien sur.

Clark MF Price said...

Life would suck to pull a permanent Jody.

Les Savy Ferd said...

there are, *gasp*, worms under there!!!? *fitful case of the heeby-jeebies*

oline said...

penelope's grandmother allegedly looked at a nail clipping under a microscope in the 5th grade, saw wormy germies, and was traumatized forever after. so if penelope's grandmother is to be believed, there are indeed worms under there.

Bombsy said...

Ew.

Les Savy Ferd said...

Ew ^100
(and i hate math, so imagine how Ew it must be for me to use its language to express my distaste. ew)

oline said...

am realizing that telling the story of penelope and her grandmother and the wormy germies has probably only set me up for a future of further get your fingers out of your mouth admonishments. stupid move, oline.

nick said...

as i will never be the one to remark about the seemingly neglected corn, i will be the last to tell you to get your fingers out of your mouth, peneloline!

oline said...

am rather liking that name. probably because i've always pronounced penelope as penn-A-lope. peneloline sounds like a fabulous ice cream.

Meggie said...

Completely random note: DO NOT go see The Grudge 2 if you don't like open endings. It's driving Mike nuts. Of course, Caro... You know me and horror movies. Laughed the entire time.

oline said...

what was that horror/horrid thing we randomly saw with S? y'know, the one where you laughed the whole time and made all the people around us mad.

nick said...

the only movie i laughed through that i shouldn't was titanic. ha... speaking of horror flicks, am i the only weirdo that wants to go see saw 3?

Meggie said...

Nickie, we almost went to go see Saw 3 but I hadn't seen the others so we decided not to.

Caro, for the 900th time, the movie was The Haunting remake with Catherine Zeta-Jones, Owen Wilson, and Liam Neeson. I think you have blocked that movie out of your memory. And I can't help the laughing, they are so cheesy! I laughed all throughout Grudge 2 and Mike would jump. Big Army boy scares easily apparently.

Les Savy Ferd said...

since i posted on JBB, i am now granted 2 (two!) posts on Olination.

I saw titanic when i first got to college and was miserable having been put in a glorified storage-closet of a room (with a room-mate!) being over-loaded with work (as the professors ruthlessly tried to separate the wheat from the chafe) and was in a very bad place. Thus after being relatively bored through most of the film i cried at the end. and i know. this is unforgiveable. The drama was so contrived I should have been laughing. But i wept like a little boy who sat on a bee.

oline said...

nicky, i think you might be on your own there. no judgement!

meggie, you must kill the "ie" business. that is entirely too cutsie and too hilton! and that was the summer where S dragged me to see every single movie released in our fine nation. by the time the haunting rolled around, i couldn't tell the difference between that and 8 1/2 women. so you'll probably have to tell me another 900 times. but i'll never forget your laughs at whatever that movie was.

way to toe the line, pirate. if you ever need a titanic fix, croftie and i'll let you in on girlie movie night. but don't worry- we cut it off after the sticky sex, before they hit the berg.

nick said...

i sat with my friend erin & behind out friend kelly who was on a date. we laughed and erin remarked how fun it would be to slide down the deck of the inverted ship... until they splashed into the water.

not all the time, but do love every once in a while a good gore-o-rama -- and saw was a lot of fun, saw 2 was decent, and saw 3 has enough mystery behind what the "plot" is to intrigue me. but don't be confused... these movies are gruesome. on that front, lionsgate films have already announced saw 4 for next halloween!

oh, and the haunting was a waste of film. oline, you'll appreciate that i saw that stupid thing w/ michael b. we laughed throught the whole thing.

oline said...

there's really nothing quite like sitting with a friend behind a friend who's on a date. it seems only ridiculous fun ever comes from that. maybe not so much for the friend who's on the date, but definately for the friends behind (not their behinds mind you, but the friends who are seated behind).

oh michael b! the michael b phenomenon is starting to take on hoffian proportions.

Meggie said...

Michael B... Why am I trying to remember who he is?? Was he the really tall one? Hell, I knew most of the BP since kindergarten and here I am at 25 and can't remember any of 'em.

Caro, Chris W is leaving Chicago and moving back to Nashville. Another one bites the dust!

oline said...

meggie- completely forgot that we called them the BP!!!! do you remember the variables? know we had them but can't remember what they were. who on earth is chris w? michael b would be michael banner who wasn't in the BP.

nick said...

and you two've lost me again. alas...

oline said...

let me translate! nicky darling, in 9th grade we had a name for your little group. i had forgotten that. meggie reminded me. it was The BP. it was always abreved but am 91% sure that stood for the Brat Pack. we also had variables for everyone, but i don't remember those. (clearly, we were terribly paranoid that our notes and bus ride theatricals would be intercepted!)

Meggie said...

Oh lord... I forgot about the variables... I remember Michael Banner. Michael Albert was really tall dude. And yes, BP did stand for The Brat Pack. Now the variables is gonna drive me nuts for the rest of the day.

Meggie said...

Oh lord, dementia has set in early. Chris W is Chris Walton (don't know if you remember him but he went to Centennial with us). He's coming down at Christmas and apparently we're getting together along with John Paul and Scott Laming! Oh yay! I know you sense the sarcasm.

Meggie said...

Yet another note at 7 a.m.

You did not reply to the email on the wooing! This is very big! We have wooing happening in TN! This is not something that can be ignored!!!

oline said...

how on earth did it wind up that you will be meeting with these people, meggie darling? hmmm.

i did not reply to the wooing email because i suck. you know that. but that doesn't mean that i'm not clamhappy about the HUGE fact that there is wooing happening in TN. wahoo to wooing. kara beautiful's coming into town this weekend, but want to phone date sometime next week? will need the full wooing report!

Meggie said...

Um, I'm meeting Mike's best friend and his fiancee next weekend (we're going to a hockey game and who knows what else--I've never even watched hockey so this could be interesting) but I will tentatively pencil you in.

And the dinner thing came about via Chris W who found me on MySpace (which I'm beginning to think is an instrument of the devil to bring all of my exes to me).