24 October 2006

16 i've got a gun... give me your razors!

we live in dangerous times. dangerous and silly times. an era where one must remove flip flops for airport security. an age when spinach is quarantined. an epoch in which jessica simpson's hairstylist is a household name. a time when razors are not an over-the-counter commodity.

in my little world, razors are in a glass case. as though gillette were a status symbol. as though the venus were on par with an ipod and wasn't just a 50 cent piece of plastic with a $2 blade and a $5 mark-up. thus, the simple task of buying a razor or blades involves a salesperson, an intercom, a key-carrying salesperson, a lock, and a blushing oline. the blushing oline resents this.

consequently, i demand my blades be all they can be. i've pushed the latest one to the very brink of its livelihood. the strip of lotion has long since worn away, the razor head has irrevocably warped, the grippy thing has molted off, somewhere along the way a blade fell out, and the bath has been the scene of a near-daily blood-letting ever since. today, it became obvious that i would either have to buy an entirely new razor or try to make do with a butter knife. at last, i gave in.

i asked margarita for assistance and stood in aisle 3 as the page went out for "ASSistance in razors." i calculated the odds that the key-carrying salesperson would be named martini. when marco came to give me ASSistance, it took all my willpower to keep from shouting POLO! clearly, i am not meant to be in public alone.

marco reverently removed the razor toward which i had gestured. he touched it gingerly, as though we were standing in elizabeth taylor's jewelry box and he was handing over the krupp diamond. he seemed mildly embarrassed that he hadn't thought to don kid gloves.

at the checkout, margarita handled my razor as though it were a loaded gun. she bagged it separately, lest it contaminate the conditioner and Our Gum. a tense pause followed. a moment in which there was a 48% chance i would be carded.

i wanted to wave my razor in the air and scream.

this is a razor, not illicit drugs. i am not after crack or antihistamines. i just want to shave my legs and that really shouldn't be so hard. the condoms are just sitting there for the taking. they're practically shouting at people to pocket them. steal me and go have safe sex, they say. i just want a damn razor. i just want to shave my damn legs. in these dangerous and silly times, no one has asked that most pressing of questions: what of a woman's right to a razor?


nick said...

me and my flip-flops love you for the shout out. and just imagine what would happen if you tried to take your venus on a plane!!

Clark MF Price said...

They should really lock up the condoms. I am afraid that there is somebody out there poking holes in them with tiny needles just to spread disease and such. I am told often that I am too paranoid though. I'm just saying, it could happen.*shudders*

Les Savy Ferd said...

I'm your venus
I'm your fire(?)
your dee-zai-yuuuur!

I aplogize to humanity for the jingle re-enactment of October 25, 2006.

oline said...

Olas- your flop drama is the quintissential embodiment of these dangerous/silly times.

clark(O)- i say if they're going to lock up razors they should lock up everything. CVS should be a trove of locked-down condoms and toilet paper and tic tacs. people may start rolling themselves to death, heaven forbid.

dread dougO- humanity will be convening and holding a vote to determine whether forgiveness is adviseable. (and i have not seen you in LIFETIMES. it's obscene!)

Les Savy Ferd said...

so where exactly will humanity be convening? I'm thinking southern slovakia. And yes, the Southern Slovakia Tourism and Trade Bureau (or So-Slo-TTB) has me in their back pocket.

oline said...

was noticing that you've really been So-Slo's bitch lately. if this is a paying position, i'll be expecting a cut since your So-Slo promo activities seem to be limited to my blog. tho i haven't seen you in awhile. have you taken to sporting a "Go So-Slo!" t-shirt? are you peddling So-Slo wares on the subway? is that why the train was going so slow yesterday- it was all part of your diabolical back pocket branding plan?

Bombsy said...

First of all, 2 points for today's b-word and yesterday's s-bomb. Second, were you at CVS? Girl we have GOT to stop going to CVS, I had a yelling match up in there yesterday.
Third, bless you for knowing Liz Taylor's jewelry box is walk in.

oline said...

this was actually walgreens. to add insult to annoyance, when i went to that stupid CVS this morning (because nary a day passes that i don't venture to at least one of the triumvriate of convenience for something i forgot to get at another of the triumvriate of convenince the day before) there were the razors. in the open. on a shelf. not behind bars. grrrrrr.

nick said...

to answer the dougO's question... i got my notice of the humanity convention on the Dread Pirate's forgiveability (HCDPF). it takes advantage of advanced technological advances (fun redundancy is redundant fun!) and the meeting is online at:


it's not a violation of my invitation to tell you that - it would be a violation if i told you an acceptable username/password to take part in the vote of acceptance of apology.

bombsy - what was CVS shouting drama. i love when shit goes down in public.

Oline - we now need So-Slo Tourism tees to go along with our Christ's Knights suits!

Les Savy Ferd said...

I'm crossing my fingers the HCDPF votes forgiveness. It would be a black eye to the So-Slo-TTB if I'm implicated in yet *another* scandal. Thats what they get for employing dread pirates I suppose.

Also I was thinking the signs/posters/billboards/tee-shirts would parody the Snickers "hungry? why wait?" campaign:

Hungary...? Who Isn't!? Slovakia That's Who!

nick said...

i'd wear that tee-shirt!

oh, and you got my vote, good sir pirate. i'm working on So-ATL grassroot campaign to clear your already besmirched name. these previous scandals are clearly all figments of the imaginations of rogue So-Slo media idealogues.

oline said...

i must remind oliver stoneOlas that the dread pirate was on the outs with humanity because of his own jingle re-enactment above. clearly he has now brainwashed us with So-Slo propoganda to the point that his own crimes (ie. said jingle re-enactment) appear the doings of the anti-So-Slo media.

but i hear the HCDPF will be convening over dates & bacon. and how could anyone hold a grudge in the presence of dates & bacon? your forgiveness seems assured, dear pirate. but please, no more jingle re-enactments. the oline begs you.

nick said...

and here we have So-Slo propogandOline. you all saw it happen - i think she's been brain washed by the So-Slo media idealogues to continue besmirching the dread pirate's name. scandOline!

oline said...

so i've been brainwashed to suggest the dread pirate is brainwashing? inconceiveable!

Les Savy Ferd said...

a date wrapped in bacon is enough to melt the frost off an artic heart. My deliverance and complete de-besmirchment is assured. Why I'll be roaming the high seas and pillaging like days of old in no time. Those Slovakian idealogues can continue to rain down their codswallop. Vindication is mine, Scandoline's blasphemy or no.

Just beware, when prompted with an easy jump-in jingle opportunity such as the one proffered above my defenses remain weak to non-existent. Thus lampooned between the proverbial devil and the deep commercial jingle bounty of a sea that is my subconscious I shall have no choice but to wield lyrics like the flaming swords of my ancestors. You have been warned.

oline said...

wow. that may be among the best comments ever, dread dougO.