02 October 2006

5 brrrrrrr

today, i froze. not necessarily because it's that cold but because i'm a tiny little woman and-- despite the presence of sweaters, hoodies, and blankets-- we do get cold. at long last, a complete and thorough exhaustion from shivering finally conquered my pride in $13 utility bills and i turned on the heat. because i like to fun up the banal, i put on some glitter and a little black dress and prepared for the solemn task at hand: The Ceremonial First Turning On.

much like hanging up on someone on a cordless phone, The Ceremonial First Turning On Of The Heater is way anti-climactic. the heater itself is part of a window unit so unlike a radiator, there's no sizzle or steam or crackle or bang. there's simply the beep of a button, a haggard rumble and a slow breeze of not nearly hot enough air.

even more anti-climactic in the Ceremonial First Turning On Of The Heater '06, was the fact that when i hit the button nothing happened. repeated hittings of the button yielded nothing either. so i leaned forward and peered intently into the darkness- trying to will the heater to life. apparently my persuasive powers work wonders with appliances, because the heater returned from the dead with a sudden, silent but mighty cough of dirt and lint and leaves and nasty. a cough directed right at me.

with that, i've concluded that la petit maison- weary of the incessent rearrangements and the suicidal plants and the murdered bug life and the vievery- must have it in for its oh!'lighn.


nick said...

an impressive skill, no doubt. would you like to come have a word with our toaster? it knows no toasting setting in between room temperature and hell.

oline said...

well, it's obviously the busy season. tomorrow, i've got to go slap osutein's rats to death. then someone must liberate the dread pirate from the old town bug brigade on wednesday. so howsabout i fly down thursday and whisper some gentle, coaxing words? after spitting crumbs in my face, it should be right as rain. unless this is the toaster of the sinner, not the talker- in which case you're probably stuck with the infernal toasting.

Bombsy said...

Certainly a phenomenon on Arlington-we burn or freeze, sometimes both in the same day.

Meggie said...

I haven't turned on my a/c or heat in over three weeks. My last electricity bill was 3 dollars.

Had a nightmare last night about mutant spider getting it on with another mutant bug and making mutant bug babies that took over the lovely condo.

oline said...

you must have mutanty fears, meggie honey, because you've mentioned mutant hair and mutant hips and mutant bugs. do we need to have a mutant intervention? just because you've been called a maggot in the past doesn't not a mutant make you. and your $3 gives me something new to shoots for. somehow my competitiveness is only manifested in electrical bills.

and yes, bombsy, our arlingtonian weather is mighty tempestuous. though that storm last night was awesome. sounded like the biggest fight to ever involve glass bottles had broken out in the alley.