29 September 2006

10 man power

i just now, just this second- give or take an hour or two- did the most manly thing i've ever done. i killed a bug with my bare hand. not only did i kill a bug with my bare hand, i killed a bug with my bare hand and let out an exultant YES! as the bug guts squished against my palm.

this is not typical oline behavior. i dislike palms, guts, bugs and the word squish. and admitedly the manliness of the deed was somewhat diminished by the fact that the victim was a standard, run-of-the-mill fly.

you may remember Colette The Fly (and this may not have actually been Colette The Fly, but we're going to pretend it was to avoid the thought that le petit maison de Oh!-'Lighn is, in reality, a fly hostel). Colette The Fly moved in with the vieve and i some months ago. she most often acted as a pesky bit of black dust.

being too posh to play bug patrol, the vieve would smell her and blithely walk away. Colette The Fly and i were cool. she stayed away from me and i stayed away from her. until two days ago, when Colette The Fly went vinegar.

she began buzzing about frantically. not just buzzing, but BUZZZZZZZING. like the scene in honey, i shrunk the kids where they're tormented by ginormo bugs. i began to think Colette The Fly was much larger than she appeared. that my contact prescription was wrong. that i was high on pumpkin candle fumes.

unfortunately for Colette The Fly, her sudden propensity for boistrous buzzing excited my wrath while her history of lassitude worked to my advantage. after a day and a half of misses, i got her. and it felt good and i liked it. and i stood there reveling in my newfound manliness for a moment.

a moment in which a strand of raven hair fell from my silly head and tickled it's way down my arm, in much the manner of an eight-legged monster. immediately i forgot my manliness and shrieked like a little girl.

10 comments:

nick said...

the last time i had a moment like this was particularly disgusting. i noticed a bug like object out of my peripheral vision. i moved to strike... and i got it, also with my bare hand. it was one of those giant georgia roaches. it was all over my hand, and i ran to the sink to wash my filthy hand. as i ran, i was totally shrieking like a north face jacket...

oline said...

come now, it wasn't the jacket. you shrieked like a girl!

nick said...

am simultaneously loving how this joke is going to make absolutely no sense to anyone else. i tells ya it was the jacket. it as a zipper like a squealing teeny-bopper at a fergie concert.

Les Savy Ferd said...

bugs are gross, especially the centipede-y things that live in our basement with the really long back legs. Sometimes they form strategic barricades around the stairs while one is loading up the washer/dryer. I've taken to bringing gifts and offerings to appease them just to be allowed safe passage back upstairs. This has only made them bolder, greedier, and from the nourishment of the hand-outs, larger.

If by chance i don't turn up one day to say, a white trash party, I'll be tied up Gulliver style while they plan which horrible death to inflict upon me.

oline said...

that's gross, dougO! it makes me not want to come over and eat with you lovelies above the bug den.

Meggie said...

Caro, come kill my spiders! I told Mike to bring his gun down and shoot it. Something about how you can't discharge a weapon was his excuse. My thing is: what's the point of having the gun if you can't shoot it? *sighs* Please come kill my spiders? I got one huge mutant spider that's holding me hostage in my condo. Can't go out to the balcony or else it attacks.

oline said...

no no no, meggie. my fair vampiric bare hands are only available for the occasional historically lazy fly. and only then after three months of living with it and two days of bazooming terror. please don't think just because there was one moment of bravado, that i run about ruthlessly smacking bugs for friends. go with the gun. and who is mike?! we're phone dating tomorrow, right? may need a list of players to keep up. you appear to be living at melrose place, love.

Osutein said...

A rat was spotted in our basement. Mind coming over and throttling it?

oline said...

miss oline's bug smacking rates are mighty steep, which would make her rodent throttling rates downright obscene. so no, my friend. no. but maybe after some oktoberfest fun, you'll be primed to wrestle it yourself.

Meggie said...

Mike is Army dude. Girl, I'm not that much of a ho. There was Pavi the Doctor for a month or two. Then Steve for 3.5 months. Then Jimmy for a week or two, Jake for about two weeks, and now Mike going on three weeks. I can't help it if guys find me irresistable!