27 September 2006

16 locks & love

the mother cupcake has an inordinate enthusiasm for ponytails. i think largely because a decade of short hair has allowed her only the stubbiest of stubby tails and endowed the unattainable, full-blown pony with a magical aura of which it would otherwise be deprived. because, along with headbands and clip-on-earrings, ponytails are not among the most pleasant of feminine wiles. it's kind of like being bridled and that kind of hurts.

the father cupcake loathes ponytails and long-hair in general. he has a one syllable cluck that instantly communicates his belief that we have strayed into perilous stylistic waters and begun too closely to resemble the british royal family. he gives a cluck and pulls a princess anne face. that's how we know.

my own hair journey has been an extended groundhog day. after the decade of bad hair, i grow it out to a certain length, am suddenly completely grossed out by its length, get it all hacked off and instantly wish it were long again. it's a cycle that i can now complete in just under two years. which it would seem is progress of a sort.

the other night on the phone, most appropriately the very same day she got her hair cut, my mum exclaimed, let's do locks of love! because she then followed that with a nostalgic sigh of i could have a ponytail..., i didn't have the heart to point out that it has taken her ten months to grow four inches of hair. so it would probably be 2009 before she hits the full ten. nor did i mention that were i any less vain, i could probably shave my head, fork over the locks and be done tomorrow.

so now we're supposedly doing locks of love. there's been no swearing or vowing but since a ponytail is involved, i can't imagine it could be anything less than a certainty. and i guess the fun part of that, the part in which all of the excitement lies, is that some day in 2009, when my hair is dragging the floor and my mum finally has the ten inch ponytail of her dreams, we'll go get our hair cut together and we'll take it home in a trash bag, knowing that it'll be us up on the shelf behind the 100% HUMAN HAIR!!!! tag. which completely grosses me out. pass the scissors, please.

16 comments:

Clark "not so effen hardcore" Price said...

Locks of Love info, read the criticisms and details

Since your mother and you both live in big cities it might be better to donate directly to a wigmaker who donates wigs to underpriveleged children himself or just sell your hair and donate the money cause that is probably what will happen with Locks of Love. Sorry to be a downer.

oline said...

you downer! i actually went the LOL route here strictly because it was alliterative, which st. jude and children's memorial were not. so boo to all my blogly stretchings of the truth being called out. at this point, think we're really just using LOL as an excuse for my mum to sport a hairstyle my father hates. don't think i could prostitute my hair unless there were some serious hard times, at which point it would be more than dead cells and could be used as currency. which would make it less "i need crack, here's my hair" and more a valiant move to pull myself from poverty on the strength of some dead strands.

nick said...

will we be seeing crystal gayloline?

oline said...

i really think not! can't imagine how i could be anything but completely disgusted with my hair were it any less than four feet from the ground. and her ponytails must hurt like hell.

JJerm said...

i've never understand how someone can not adore long hair. don't get me wrong, many a beautiful woman has walked in (and out) of my life with short hair. but the long locks...this is why they made gentle breezes.

nick said...

i agree 1000 times. maybe it's because we lose our hair... but long hair on a lovely lady... wonderous.

Meggie said...

It took your mom HOW LONG to grow 4 inches??? Hell, I got my hair cut two months ago and it's already grown about 3 inches. Of course, I have mutant hair so that must be taken into account.

And here's the tip with the ponytail: don't use a hair thingie with metal bits! And don't do it too tight! Although, my dear soulmate, as you once pointed out--you wear you hair things as a ring and I wear mine as a bracelet. *laughs

oline said...

so most men love long locks. but are we agreed that the crystal gale look is pretty disgusting? because i don't think katrina could have stirred her long locks, much less a gentle breeze (a line that completely gave away the fact that we were in the presence of a great novelist, prof. j).

and meggie, i do use the hair thingies without the metal bits and it still sometimes feels like my brows are being pulled to the back of my stupid ears. we'll have to have a ponytailing training session at xmas. the fun times of girldom never cease!

nick said...

crystal gale look is very bad. as with most things - you can have too much. when hair

1) is all you're known for

2) takes hours of your day to maintain

3) called gross by other women

4) requires its own side of the bed

then you have a problem.

Clark "not so effen hardcore" Price said...

To think that I had such long locks and then I let them get to be too much. Now I look back and wonder, "what was I thinking?"
Now I am going grey at the temples and it is beginning to be noticeable. At least I won't go bald. Grey? yes, bald? no.
You never did tell me if you liked the link I gave you of the Hoff!

oline said...

hoff link was swell!

and i don't think long locks or grey (and is it grey or gray? what ever is the difference there?) locks or no locks really matter. it's the silly head that counts.

the word locks is starting to sound gross.

Clark "not so effen hardcore" Price said...

Are you saying that I have a "silly head?"
I am so miffed right now. You couldn't begin to...

oline said...

ha. i was just going on the basis that my head is very very very silly (it's also green, polka-dotted, filled with useless kennedy tidbits and devoid of all mathetmatical know-how). and am pretty sure at least 97% of the heads in my little group of very distinguished readers are quite silly as well (if you want to be the 3%, it's all yours!). therefore, the silly head being the highest of compliments and infinately more important that whatever hair may or may not be upon it.

Clark "not so effen hardcore" Price said...

Now that you put it that way, how can I be miffed? My head is quite silly on not working when I want it to work. It rebels against me by filling up on video games, military and generalship strategies, and a huge block devoted to pop culture. Meh.

Bombsy said...

The ancient pagans of europe (and everywhere else) beleived a woman's strength comes from her hair.
Which is why a sad majority of my income goes into maintaining my mane.

oline said...

an inquisition:
bombsy, remember that week awhile ago when they changed the packaging of every single hair care product? (the whole rest of the world, did you notice this?) it was like a haircare shock & awe. and i wonder, did loreal and clairol and the whole hairproduct gang get together and plan an ambush? did they "i will if you will"? because how on earth could it have been so perfectly, precisely timed? do hair products have a fall line, where they assume brighter colours and sleeker shapes and sassier names on a given date? like no drab bottles after labor day. and if a woman's strength comes from her hair, what does it say when her hair products change their clothes?!