02 September 2006
8 an EFF (for croftie in CT)
my father loves ebay. am rather fond myself- it makes finding forty-year-old tabloids much simpler. but my father LOVES ebay. he lives there. he looks for weird things. and he forwards his findings to me.
for ages we've done routine jackie checks and passed on the most frightful, offensive artifacts. he offers the jackie bobble head. i return with a franklin mint jackie doll whose face has rotted out. he sends a jfk statuette with a lopped off head. i reply with matching jfk/jackie halloween masks, a simple horror that trumps everything.
years ago, someone dumped a boatload of archival tabloid jackie press photos onto ebay. that kicked off a bombardment of weird jackies. after we had relived all her bad hair days, it was on to quirky vogue transparencies. a few weeks ago, a new age of fatherly forwards commenced. other peoples' vintage family photos. other peoples' vintage family photos with the most hardcore, rock ass, ricidulous captions ever.
it began, innocently enough, with "Attractive Woman with Curly Hair And Big Nose!" and "Sexy Military Men with Big Feet!" since then, on a regular enough basis to be very disturbing, they have trickled in: "Girl Fights Off Invisible Leprechaun!" "Man with a Pretty Android Wife," "Boy Loses Mind at Civil War Fort," "Architect in a Bow Tie Holding Butt."
for awhile, i was torn between horror and envy. i couldn't desecrate my ancestors like that but i would almost consider sacrificing a relative to write a headline that damn good. then today "Evil Man Smells Baby & Stabbed Snowman" arrived and sealed the deal. this is a gift worth a cousin or two at least.