02 September 2006

8 an EFF (for croftie in CT)


my father loves ebay. am rather fond myself- it makes finding forty-year-old tabloids much simpler. but my father LOVES ebay. he lives there. he looks for weird things. and he forwards his findings to me.

for ages we've done routine jackie checks and passed on the most frightful, offensive artifacts. he offers the jackie bobble head. i return with a franklin mint jackie doll whose face has rotted out. he sends a jfk statuette with a lopped off head. i reply with matching jfk/jackie halloween masks, a simple horror that trumps everything.

years ago, someone dumped a boatload of archival tabloid jackie press photos onto ebay. that kicked off a bombardment of weird jackies. after we had relived all her bad hair days, it was on to quirky vogue transparencies. a few weeks ago, a new age of fatherly forwards commenced. other peoples' vintage family photos. other peoples' vintage family photos with the most hardcore, rock ass, ricidulous captions ever.

it began, innocently enough, with "Attractive Woman with Curly Hair And Big Nose!" and "Sexy Military Men with Big Feet!" since then, on a regular enough basis to be very disturbing, they have trickled in: "Girl Fights Off Invisible Leprechaun!" "Man with a Pretty Android Wife," "Boy Loses Mind at Civil War Fort," "Architect in a Bow Tie Holding Butt."

for awhile, i was torn between horror and envy. i couldn't desecrate my ancestors like that but i would almost consider sacrificing a relative to write a headline that damn good. then today "Evil Man Smells Baby & Stabbed Snowman" arrived and sealed the deal. this is a gift worth a cousin or two at least.

8 comments:

Les Savy Ferd said...

ladies and gentlemen the title of my next novel, gift-wrapped from God/Ebay and delivered to me from the bountiful Oline.

I think I actually just scared some poor woman outside with a very loud and justified bit of laughter.

Les Savy Ferd said...

still laughing. not kidding. need sleeping. only 8 o'clocking? blast!

Les Savy Ferd said...

actually the phrase is a bit deceiving. The evil man isn't really smelling both the baby AND the stabbed snowman. And thank goodness for that, its funny enough as it is.

oline said...

would very much encourage you to go look up the other auctions this guy/gal has. because the fabulousness is not limited to these. there are children striking mussoulini poses and grandmother's making android eyes. i don't know why we aren't friends with this person. the magnitude of his/her inspirado is awe-inspiring.

(and this is where my 17th grade education has gotten me- doing proper- yet intrusive- pronoun/verb agreement in a blog comment.)

oline said...

and let's do discuss this on the morrow over cupcake mountain. evil man smells baby and stabbed snowman would be the perfect first publication for JBB. "jack black's body brings you evil man smells baby and stabbed snowman. how could that not be a best seller?

nick said...

i would have a peek at such a JBB project because it is both hilarious and terrifying. or if you will... a Jables that's hilarifying!

oline said...

hilarifying!?! dougO, now you must do it. a new word has been birthed in its honor.

Les Savy Ferd said...

of course you realize the plot would absolutely nothing to do with evil men or smelling babies. maybe a stabbed snowman or two, tho. you never can predict everything.