(for those of ya'll who wear fanny packs and don't read comments, here's an answer to the 1.800.3611 questions that more or less sums up why no one can be more like doug than... well... um... doug.)
1. Charlene(R) is a 1980's laundry detergent. The product was recalled in late 1987 by what its parent corporation GloboTek called "product inefficiency" and by what the purchasers of said product described as "horrible rashes."
2. Are YOU a bottle of laundry detergent? Were YOU recalled in late 1987? Silly CarO, No, you are not Charlene(R).
3. Yes and No. And by that I mean maybe. Confused yet? We're only getting started...
4. Perhaps. They may include: Am I entitled to a portion of the settlement of American Consumers v. Charlene(R)?
5. Normal people have their curiosity mildly piqued when mistaken for laundry detergent, so I wouldn't sweat it.
6. The best kind there is!
7. Not necessarily. Have you tried calling it? Have you then tried decoding the "I'm sorry but the number you have dialed [ ] is not a valid number. Please hang up and try again" for any hidden messages?
8. No, she has enough problems of her own what with calling random numbers in search of epidermically insensitive cleaning products. Numbers mean very little to these sorts of people, why she calls her own mother 17.
9. Did you use the product Charlene(R) in your formative years? Possible side effects did include hearing loss.
10. Go to enough Gogol Bordello shows and your hearing will be as extinct as the passenger pigeon to which you'd probably exclaim "good riddance birdie-beastie!"
11. 'Written' is a very nebulous term. Aren't we all in some way or shape 'scripted'? As to questions of authorship see McScribblerson, Andrew J., "Writing, Writing Everywhere but Not a Drop to Ink," Columbia Press, 1994.
12. Who is this 'they' you speak of? Getting a little paranoid aren't we? Once again I am required to ask: Did you use the product Charlene(R) in your youth? Possible side-effects include rampant paranoic fantasies (coupled with desires for world domination).
13. The workers of the world live in destitute conditions, my dear. It is the single biggest enigma in history why they are so reluctant to shake the yoke of oppression and rise up against their masters. GloboTek, the makers of Charlene(R), will be the first against the wall.
14. AaaaHaaaar! Me matey! Avast yee land-lubbers! Might yee have any fabric softener to which we might soothe our mutinous clothing into submission?
15. Don't you mean, "Who Ya Gonna Call?,"? [?] (?)^?
16. Two lithuanian ducats.
17. Marvy fabul linky est repo majorum. Can you read that rather Latinous gibberish? See what we have to work with?
18. Please repeat the question.
19. The fact that you seek to 'control' quality is your generation's biggest obstacle toward peace of mind. Why in my day we just let Quality run free, 'two sheets to the wind' we'd yell laughing at our convivial jouissance.
20. Please PLEASE, for your own well-being, if you had even mild association with the product Charlene(R) please call 1-800-3611. Bye."